


An empire of our own

by lucysaxon007



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-05-15 04:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5771059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucysaxon007/pseuds/lucysaxon007
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DEDICATED to those who don't really enjoy where the story of the 100 prisoners is headed right now (in the 3rd and 4th season etc.) - especially on the Bellarke front!</p><p>Everybody is happy and healthy, more or less, and ready to build and a new and glowing society!!<br/>Friendships continue, politics ensue and characters from the past are not forgotten...</p><p>Set after the goodbyes of Clarke and Bellamy at the Camp Jaha gates.<br/>Bellamy sets out to find her into the wilderness, on urging of her mother, with the help of Octavia... growing closer with his sister again.</p><p>Bellamy and Clarke discuss how to continue living on …. and how to go about finding their future, together and apart!<br/>UPDATED this year to continue on with the story...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chaper 1

_ Three weeks later, back at camp _

_"Whatever you want princess"_

_Bellamy gave Clarke an option, he gave her a chance to choose - now it is up to her._

_What does she want? She doesn't know and he is giving her time to figure it out. Now it is up to her - all on her own._

_She had though about all the things that happened to all of them - and in between all of this, what does **she** want?_

_Sometimes in the middle of the night, she would wake up and think - "only him". It is so clear, simple - pure - but then the other thighs would come into play - mostly and especially the other people - all of them found in some kind of strange of relationships with her - her mother, Kane .... Jaha..... Octavia, not to forget Finn, from the past, now even Jasper ..... but no not Monty, at least, that was clear, he remained loyal._

_She sighed, thank you to Monty and his moonshine. Best thing. Ever. It made things more simpler, easy-going, more see through..._

_With these thoughts she tried to carry herself to sleep._

_Every night she would hear slow burn of the fire, last of the of the night watch, soft whispers - from outside, lying in her tent. And nothing happened._

_She thought about Finn some more.... that was the first time she felt something like .....she didn't finish the thought, already skipping to the very quick, very hard descent from the point of high, with no returning back._

_A boy she could lead to meet her mother. And the way he used to look at her. She smiled._

_The she was reminded of Wells - she knew the way he had felt about her, she knew, she felt it - ever since they were starting to get a bit older, on the Ark, not so much children anymore. Yet not grown-up, almost always together - she knew._

_With Wells she was embraced in this warm cozy feeling - soft like a blanket - but that was it, she felt nothing more. And up to the very end, when he chose to give up everything of his own to her, stood by her side. She never felt nothing more. That is probably it - the heart chooses who it chooses - there is no way around it._

_Then to add even more confusion, she would think about Bellamy - and it all became a blur. Fiery explosions, automatic weapons, glass, assassins, her heart pumping - beating actually - then she would fall asleep. All these things in her head, in her dreams._

_Then she would dream more as if in a fairy tale - about the boys dark eyes, looking away, beaming, the high castles and beautiful princesses - waiting to be rescued, and then, then everything will be okay._

_Later she would wake up in the morning not feeling so-so._

 

***

_ Two weeks before _

 

The first few days after Clarke had left had moved for Bellamy very slowly at the camp. After they have come back, from Mt. Weather and the whole ordeal, with the rest of the one hundred and the gown-ups, in between all the settling in, preparations for winter, it still gave him much time to think, more then he would have wanted.

The grown-up were all confused about the situation with Clarke, they so slowly settled in doing ......nothing, and they had seemed actually okay with it, at least for now.

The whole time he know couldn't allow himself be reckless, he had to be smart. He had to think thighs through, like he always did. Well.... almost always. I _n his mind what he would have wished for, the very moment she left camp - was to find her, in the woods, grab her and carry her on his back all the way back (even if it meant with her kicking and screaming)._ _He must have been out of his mind that hasn't done that already...!_

But somehow, without the hot-bloodedness, he knew _this_ _could_ make things even worse. _If she needed solace right now - he will give it to her - up till the point when she will get sick of it! Only that could bring her back, in full flesh. He believed it will._

Today he will get on with his general business, he will return to this in his thoughts tomorrow - and then he will make a plan. A new plan.

_At night he had spun in his sleep._ Octavia decided to stay with him a few times in his tent, after he was stung by a hive of wild bees few days before, _tossing and turning in his sleep with dreams - wild bears, gleaming eyes of leopards, the Indians and the Romans from the ancient times leading themselves to war .... and_ then … a beautiful white princess _\- being caught in the middle of all of it -_ without him being able to help her in any way.

***

He remember a some time back, just few days after Clarke had left the camp, the other woman was lying on the bed in the infirmary. He meant Abby, her mother. He walked in. There was only her. Maybe for the first time now, before her room was full, all those people buzzing around her. They were all alone.

Her head turned in his direction and she looked straight at him. He could tell by the way she had moved that the troubling news, that she was gone, has gotten to her.

"Is it true? Where is my _daughter_?"

"She's gone."

Only the small electrical machines were buzzing away.

She was pale, seconds passed, then minutes. Bellamy didn't or couldn't speak.

"Where could have she gone…" she ushered in half-whisper, eyes glued to the ground floor, still in disbelief.

"I don't know. I couldn't stop her". Every word of it hurt.

"I understand she is hurting." she said as in a haze. " _But this too much. She had all our support. She might be in danger, this moment. This moment while we are speaking, she is in danger."_ While saying that a streak of relentless was returning back to her cheeks, giving her color.

He really didn't say anything, just stood there, like there was nothing left to say, while she was _exactly mirroring_ his own thoughts and feelings he had for the past few days. Shaping them in something even more terrifying....

He wasn't actually prepared to open up with the grown-ups, not really, not even with her mother - he somehow felt they still couldn't be trusted, not entirely, and that maybe his _own_ passions wouldn't be well received or welcomed....

_"Maybe I don't know my own daughter, after all"._

That brought him back to reality. He could feel the cold from outside creeping into the infirmary of the ship through the halls, the world outside was settling slowly into the night.

_"I will find her. Don't worry, doctor Griffin"._

She looked up to him ..... and her eyes sparkled.

 

_"I will find her and bring her back, back home"._

If it is the _only thing there is for me left to do_ , he didn't share this though with her. All in the right time, he had thought to himself, while slowly stepping out the infirmary, without another word being said, leaving Abby staring speechlessly into the further wall. For moments on, not being able to tear herself away.

***

Bellamy never really though we would feel this way. Hopeless, like there wasn't anything to guide him, help him shed light on things. What an irony, after all the hardship - he had gone through after the drop ship has landed - _he and Octavia_.

After all he had done for _her_ \- there was always a small beacon of hope, that everything will turn out somehow right in the end. It will all _come together_ in a way that makes sense.

And then she left. When it did, she left. And everything was shattered to pieces again, in a strange unfamiliar way to him. And even though he didn't want _anything_ _from her_ , actually didn't even expect anything, it still felt like this.

Was it like with his mother all over again? No. It was different.

He couldn't protect her, take care of her, make her feel herself again - at least not the way he wanted to. She didn't want him to, at least she acted like she didn't need him to anymore - but he didn't know if that was actually true.

And then he was angry. Angry that she had left him like that and then went away. His _pride_ took over. She is not in charge of him, not on the ark, not here ....... but in his thoughts that on the other hand means, she can do whatever she wants too!

It is not his responsibility to take care of her, never was, he has no rights over her.

Yet he felt it _was_ something they were forced to go through together - and she leaves it all behind, just like that.

Although deep inside he knew he understood, understood what she meant when she left, he saw what she was going through and had to go through.

When he though - both of us could have healed together - he got even angrier. _And the worst part of it all actually was - that he could not even begin healing, not without her._

 

But still, on the contrary with all he was feeling - Bellamy looked up at the cool blue skies set with white clouds, like cushions - a certain lightness keep sweeping through him.

_This soft warm fuzzy feeling when Clarke kissed him. Her scent, faint but lovely, not a million roses would ever put together if they tried. Not that he has ever actually seen a rose. Frankly, it was something he could not describe, but something that put a hold on his soul indefinitely._

The kiss was only on the cheek, but still a kiss, a passionate one, he told himself. He was almost sure that from her it meant something, he was sure.

Now for him it is only left to ponder if there is any running away this strange, unfamiliar thing, shutting it out, avoiding it - _oh if he could, he would hide far and far away, through the woods. But there was more that he was made of._ More to him then that, more of him left to fight, not to ran away.

He sighted, shrugged uncomfortably at his own thoughts, took one look at the breathtaking blue of the skies, and closed his eyes.

 

***

Now on top of all the other things - building of the new tents and cabins to accommodate all, setting a functioning water supply up and running - he had to deal with her mother again, as well.

When the news that Clarke was gone spread, slowly across camp, Abby was still in the infirmary under constant care and getting better. Kane, when he became aware of the situation, left it up to him to actually let her mother know that her daughter was missing, he said simply: "You understand the situation best".

 

And then there was his sister _Octavia_ \- she was going through something of her own too. Getting more needy, which is so unlike her. It had seen to him that she and Clarke had not left it on the best of terms, and she felt bad now Clarke was gone, restless. He didn't ask, it just didn't somehow occur to him to pry.

On one hand, it seemed interesting to him that his sister and Clarke could have been in a fight, meaning probably they do in fact care for one another - he was somewhat moved by it - on the other hand not so much. _The two women who he actually cared about, in a fight, together?_

_That reminded him of Octavia and his mother. He could never bring those fights to end, how stubborn they both were…._

_Days long gone, he sighed, feeling abandoned._

***

The day at the camp was quick-moving and busy as usual. When he didn't attend to business, where he was needed, he sat in his tent alone, looking, watching the camp perform its everyday movements. Everything seemed going back to normal - as if anybody knew what going back to normal meant here on the ground. At least the camp wasn't being attacked by foreigners at every hour or in any mortal dangers associated with that. At least not at the moment, that counted.

Sometimes Jasper would come and sit with him, without really saying a word. The whole ending at Mt. Weather was really though for him, but still it seemed not really worth it losing his friendship of Bellamy and Clarke to it. He was going through his own grief.

Yet, without saying anything to Bellamy, it was obvious that he was painfully aware that Clarke was missing. Maybe he really didn't understand why, Bellamy though.

So they sat together in utter silence, as if Jasper was trying to share his burden of losing Maya and everything with Bellamy, share it together.

Although he was still very angry at the same time.

"I will go check out dinner" Jasper said walking into the slightly on-setting rain.

Bellamy just nodded.

He didn't feel hungry at all.

 

***

Octavia appeared. Bearing a hot dish in her hands.

"You must eat you know".

"Thank you." Bellamy inspected it closely, in the plate there was something that in the canteen goes by the name..... some name that he couldn't really wrap his head around.

He would rather have a fresh meat from a panther really. He must to go hunt someday. And maybe he will.

"It is actually not as bad, you know, O." Bellamy said after trying the dish.

"I know. The delicious herbs we found with Lincoln for flavor, they are really useful." she said proudly.

Bellamy just smiled. _His sister walking alone in the woods_. Or with him, Lincoln. _Still something he couldn't get used to_.

 

"You can't be hiding like this all the time, Bell."

"I not hiding."

"Like she is."

He did not respond, he rather changed the subject:

"I don't like the idea of you walking in the woods alone like that."

"So lets go find her" she diverted the conversation back to Clarke. After a pause she said forcefully "I would like to help".

After he didn't say anything, she whispered " _I need to_ ", that caught him somewhat by surprise. "So lets go find her together" she said in a more cheerful tone.

"No."

"I hate seeing you like that" she said pleadingly.

"Get used to it" he snapped.

 

After a while of silence, when he just ate:

"She is gone" he got back into the conversation.

_"Yes, but she doesn't need to be, not forever. She doesn't deserve to suffer, alone, you don't need to suffer"_ said O.

 

_He decided to pursue the subject_ "Was everything okay between you and Clarke?". Finally the one thing he didn't ask for such a long time. When he left for Mt. Weather, the whole time he had left the girls alone. He didn't want to, left them fending for themselves. It had left him afraid, guilt-ridden.

"Oh, yes..... why shouldn't we be" the words coming out her mouth and then just fading away. She got on her feet and faced the other way. "Well, no".

She continued: "I have said some things....."

Bellamy tilted his head as Octavia turned to face him. He expected something like that.

"Things that I not really proud of, I feel sorry for. There was a tension, all around - I was mean...." she tried to explain, hoarsely. He didn't push any further, if there is something she needs to say, she will say it to Clarke, instead he said:

"I believed that. I should have been there for you. For the both of you."

Octavia raged: "Don't be a fool!" She didn't mean for him to take it like that. "Who was there for you at Mt. Weather? You had a job there. You were all alone." She lifted his chin, he looked her in the eyes.

She said : "We were both okay. We took care of each other, one way or another. The job you had was done. And now it is over".

What made Bellamy pause was "the one way or another" part, he smirked for himself.

 

_"If you can't do it, let me do it for you, help find her - please let your little sister help for a change"._

"I will think it through." he was saying as the sergeant appeared.

"Blake, you are needed by the captain!".

That was the end of their conversation for now.

 

***

As he walked back to his tent again later, it was almost dark and a chilly wind coming through the hills swept through him. He felt it under his skin, right up to his bones. _The winter was coming._

Right there and then it hit him. He should sit around doing nothing? Who does she think he is? He finally felt like something must be done, he was finally decided. _To hell what Clarke wants. She doesn't always get to decide. That he would take it just like that, just like the grow-ups?_

Clarke needs their help for a change - or as always, depends on how you look at it - and he shall give it to her! At least he will try. Maybe, just maybe she is looking to be rescued after all. Before going to sleep right away, he really wanted to make himself believe that was the truth.

 

The following day after sunrise above of all things that could have happened, he just must almost run into her mother. Not another Griffin he had to deal with right now - and just as stubborn. Before Bellamy had a chance to say anything the chancellor, looking better, has already started: "Bellamy, I have been thinking." Of course it was all leading back to Clarke. "The woods, the winter is coming fast. The water is cold, the air is freezing. She can't be on her own. It can't stay like this. She must be found and brought back" all was said by her in a very chancellor like voice, but it almost panicky as well.

 

Bellamy on contrary of what he would have though greeted the change. It just might look like he will get an official stamp to go get her. Still he didn't believe that going on his own, facing Clarke alone, was right now the best option. Forcing her to came back, he just didn't feel up to it. But still this sanction from the chancellor beats going into the woods all by himself, anybody else knowing, which it would probably lead to.

 

Now she has softened up a bit more: "You know her the best, you understand her - what she and you have been through....." then she continued in a practical way "She will need some provisions for herself. Blankets, to keep her warm, a tent - food, she is resourceful - but it has already been a long time, too long. And I am still in recovery."

Bellamy shook his head, not being so sure.

Abby: " You would know best how to find her here, where to look for her.

Please Bellamy bring my daughter back to me, _to us_."

Then Bellamy, as a man of action he truly was, replied, with some relief :

"I can't guarantee I will bring her back Mrs. Griffin. But I will find a way to find her. And we will get these provisions to her... whether she likes it or not".

Another cold wind swept through them. It was cold. It was quiet all around.

 

Few minutes later on he had met Octavia near his tent. She lifted her eyes up to his.

In the moment she recognized the change. She gave a small smirk, almost so it couldn't be seen.

"Your on, as you wanted" Bellamy said to her "You are leaving in the morning". She had seen the chancellor leaving the fire place, just moments before. She believed that that must have inspired him into this sudden action. Well, the Griffin women seem to have an affect on her brother. But she knew Bellamy, what was going on inside of him.... she _almost_ always did.

"I will get my things".

"I will help you pack some provisions, for you and for her".

 

Early at dawn, so it didn't stir much attention in the camp, Octavia was leaving the camp towards the hills. Early birds were already singing, the sky was pale pink - at least it looked like it will be one of the last finer days.

Late at night Octavia went through the maps with Bellamy, maps of the surroundings they had so far, and brainstormed where they should be looking for her. Near a body of water, on the warmer south side of the hill, not so far from the camp - they concluded. It was still only just a few days since she left.

And that was Octavia's direction.

 

Bellamy watched her from the gate with a heavy heart, almost going after her, Similar to the way he had watched Clarke leave. But after a while he felt better. Knowing that they could find Clarke, something lifted.

He knew his sister knew the woods, she could take care of herself. At least for a while, and if she doesn't come back, he will go after her for sure.

This moment Octavia set on this journey on her own, she will return in two days, then they will decide what they do next - even if the she doesn't find any trace of the one she is looking for.

He knew he should have come with her – but the somewhat vague felling of anger and pride prevented him from finding Clarke, today.  
Tomorrow he aimed to gather all his strength once again – for her.  
But this he knew it that it all really mattered to him too.

_But for now he has decided to give Clarke some space, go easy on her for a change._

_After that he felt there was no guarantee what he will do next._

*******

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

*******

She was standing near the stream. She had heard her coming. She was still wearing the same clothes, a bit covered in mud, branches in her hair, otherwise she looked beautiful. The water seemed to be warmer here.

" _Octavia?"_ she exclaimed, only half-believing it.

"Well, you are not an easy person to find".

"How did you...." she didn’t finish, yet added more pressingly "Why are you here?". Otherwise Clarke was short for words.

"I have brought you few things" the other girl explained simply.

Clarke was already thinking - is she here to bring her back, _must I go back_...... did something happen, is somebody hurt ... do they need her help? She let out a small sigh.

Octavia looked like she was reading her mind "No, nothing is going on".

"This is - _just for you_ " she smiled suddenly, beautifully, almost triumphantly, and lifted up her back-pack into the air.

Clarke was relieved. But still worried, ready to defend herself in any way necessary, she didn't really know what against, she sat herself on a nearby rock – taking a few steps back from her, facing her.

Octavia took a step closer and threw the back-pack on the ground.

"This is from Bellamy".

Clarke though as much.

And she couldn't help but smile - but only in her mind, so that his sister couldn't see that.

After the few moments of tension, Clarke found herself thinking it was actually nice seeing a familiar face, hopefully a friendly face – all depending on her last encounters with Octavia, which didn’t go so well, she will see.

 

The strain in Clarke's face was now gone for a while. She looked like a breakable doll. Octavia felt sad suddenly. All that had happened to them at the grounders camp and Mt. Weather in the last few weeks, put a wall between them, kept rushing back to her.

Clarke picked up the backpack, out of politeness, _only half- curious_. She really wasn’t in the mood for anything nice. There was food, fresh clothes, water…

She took the water, threw the rest away. She drank thirstily. She almost forgot that water tasted this good.

Then she stopped drinking.

“And how are you doing?” she asked so she would be at least paying some attention to the other girl, her finder.

‘Fine”. As simple as that.

But after a while Octavia demeanor had changed. As if something was shifting inside of her, changing. She took one long breath, as if coming out for air, saying: “I hope all of this isn’t because of me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but….”. She turned away. Now there was a small tear running down one of her cheeks. Clarke could suddenly see that under the hard front, that Octavia always kept, the shell was weak and now she was hurting.

Clarke's cheeks grew red. There were so many things that she didn’t want to get into with her, discuss with Bellamy’s sister. She was ready to be pleasant, ready to defend herself, ready to fight. At least she must try. It felt like that talking to someone you have considered your friend, but who may not _be_ you friend after all. Yet Octavia deserved the effort, and the other girl was surprised at what she was saying.

“On the last days, at the grounders camp, I was mad. I was angry. Mad about all the _power_ that was lying at your feet. Power _to change things_ , to decide things, just like that. Power over Bellamy.” The girl continued to explain. “And Lexa had this control over you. I have never trusted her, not for a second, not after what she put us through. I was afraid. And I was afraid for my brother”.

 

The other girl didn't say anything. It was not like her to be so blunt and approachable. But maybe on the contrary, Clarke was thinking – it was exactly like Octavia. Always looking for a challenge. To be challenged.

Clarke just didn't how to face all of it, what to say, how to react to it yet.

"At the Mt. Weather gate I knew what I said was wrong. You were trying to protect me. I was mean. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” Octavia added more force to her words. “I guess I was just trying to get you back on the right track, not to lose your head over them leaving us, Lexa betraying us. It must have seen rough. But I was _trying_ to help!”

Clarke heard what the girl had to say, but on the other had knew, by her own experience of the situation, that things were not _exactly_ like she said, the emotions never being so see-through. Clarke - leaving Octavia at TonD'C - leaving her to die, was not either what she had wanted to achieve, it was _all_ not the way that she had _planned_.

"I guess I just never trusted Lexa, the control she was trying to have over you, it's not that I didn’t trust _you_ …" the other girl came back to this.

"It was not control, Octavia. It was just a common interest, a very strong one to be" Clarke said with some wisdom to her words. "You must believe how hard I have tried to keep the alliance together. Not to let it fall apart, which was in the air every minute of the day! _But_ _you_ _were right._ "

Her pale blue eyes had taken on a serious look. "I deserved what I got from you, the disdain, the doubt. I have no doubt about that. At TonD'C I mean.” She continued: “I tried to keep the hundred safe, what was left of them, to save them, and Bellamy, the grown-ups and the rest of the camp. You." Clarke put it simply: “Quite a lot to handle. _You know I was not trained for this, in any way_. _Not for this_. You know that." She said that with a slight reproach in her voice.

Clarke laid her hand on the other girls arm, half expecting for her to push away, trying to make her look up – to look her in the eye: "And you know I am not always right".

There were tears in Octavia's eyes. She nodded, started to give-in, all this hard shell and all. Octavia looking up said in a adamant way : "And you chose Bellamy".

"And I chose Bellamy." the girl retorted.

_I always would._

 

***

It felt good for to be able to talk about these things, with someone who has been there - but Clarke felt this ache in her stomach again, telling her that she wanted to be alone.

"I talked to Indra before we met at the Mt. Weather gates; she tried to shed some light on this whole messed up situation. Tried to _make me_ understand. She was to be my mentor after all" Octavia smiled for herself. That was gone now. "My view _was_ simple. _TonD'C would have been saved_. That is _all I wanted! But I see that now. Everything else would have stopped. Everyone else would have stopped too_ ". She though about Mt. Weather, the torturing, of her friends.

 

The water was slowly moving, almost cheerful, down its path through the rocks. This part of the stream was warm, almost good enough to swim in. The wind have stopped, as if to give them the silence, and there was only this faint smell of wild flowers coming out the trees.

Clarke immersed herself in more memories, not being able to turn back now:

"Lexa was kind to me. She tried to make me learn, to guide me... But even then I wasn't sure if it was the right way." She paused. "It was her village in the end - _her decision, her right_. And she took me along. _I delivered the message_. Out of respect to her and her leadership I delivered the message only to her. And then things went so fast.... I _just_ didn't forsee this would be the outcome.

I should have come back for you, to get you - that is why I rode to the settlement in the first place, to get _you_ out."

"You wouldn't have found me, I was already outside."

"She wanted to make me believe that this was _the only way_ of getting through this. _Through all of this_ , that I shouldn't really care about anything. That _not caring_ was the only way. She tried to make me come to her side, on her way of seeing things".

"She tried to seduce you" Octavia said with a sudden _not so-appreciative_ smirk.

Clarke paused for a moment, thinking how could have she known that. She must be just as insightful as her brother, easy as that. Then she continued:

"It took me some time... but then I had to see that _why I was doing all this_ , that it was for the other people, only for them, because I _cared, maybe too much."_

A sudden cold shiver came through Octavia's skin, she tried to shrug it of.

 

"I would have killed that grounder, that was sent to kill you. Because _Lexa_ though you couldn't be trusted, knew too much, all because of me. There and then, I would have. If I though it would've helped our situation. You were to be protected. Instead I made a deal.

I had to start really thinking on my own, of my own."

She turned at Octavia sideways, with her eyes, beaming.

_"I learned that - the hard way - that there was no place for hesitation. I have had to stand up for what I believed in, always, even though I didn't now how to do it, for what I wanted above all."_

There was a silence for a moment, to let it sink in.

 _"You are welcome then."_ Octavia smirked again. How funny. Octavia didn't really know about the assassin in detail, still it got her rattled - it could have been the end of her and she wouldn't have even known it. She added:

" _Which again you were doing for Bellamy_."

 

***

Clarke knew in a second what she was aiming at. That Bellamy would have _ended her_ , if something had happened to Octavia, on her watch, or so he said many times.... they both knew that.

Yes, it was that simple. Bellamy, the sibling (whom she also sent into mortal danger) would keep on "working" for her, if Clarke kept on working for keeping Octavia safe... Clarke was actually afraid of Bellamy. She was afraid of what would have happened otherwise, to her, to them, if she failed...

She tried so hard, but by that trying she often put Octavia's life in danger so many times, just the same. Keeping the sibling safe, like always the heavy burden. But deep down, Clarke knew that she really liked the task, that has been given to her, something so unusual and so unexpected.

She sighed. But the sister thinking that the only reason she would try to protect her, protect her only because of the fear and respect for her brother, that was so wrong and not true

_"But, Octavia...."._

For my brother all this, not for me. Octavia's own thoughts didn't let Clarke finish what she wanted to say, she just didn't listen.

 

Looking at the blonde now Octavia knew, by the expression on her face, she was almost sure, that she didn't have any idea. The reason why she lashed out on Clarke at the gates of Mt. Weather like she did, when they were left alone. The reason why she was so mean.

She knew that in fact she was jealous. Oh so jealous, she didn't even know why. Jealous of taking her brother away from her, coming in between her and him. Only her mother could have do that in the past. Only she belonged to them, only she cared about Bellamy so much. To give her life...

That someone other could care about Bellamy like that. Looking at the blonde, she though:

_Who was this, who though she could sacrifice a whole village, affect their fates just like, with a wink of her eye..... and all that for her brother?_

She would take her place, take her brother - and being the way that Octavia was, she feared she wouldn't have place in any of it anymore.

But Bellamy knew, he sensed it, that is why he didn't ask anything.

All of this and then there is Lexa, a tribal commander, threatening on the other hand to take it away, by be being so close with Clarke, threatening to take this away from them, something that wasn't even truly theirs yet.

The one person that could have cared for them, besides their mother.

 

Octavia got up, restless, tears running through her eyes again, because of things that she couldn't see or understand why, didn't know - things that were so out of place here in the wilderness, green trees and blues skies - everything so full of life. Without any of her counsel. Her mother couldn't see this, and she can't share it with her - not anymore. She must fend for herself, and only for herself.

 

"But you needed a friend, not a judge!" she cried. "I am sorry. I didn't want to be mean. I just was. I was just telling what I meant, felt at the moment."

 

 _"You are my friend._ I may be afraid of your brother." Clarke laughed for a little while, the first time in the conversation, a bit of a nervous laugh. As that it was funny at all.

 _"But you Octavia are my friend, always have been_. _Ever since day one,_ when we landed on the ground, you went with me looking for Mt. Weather, you took care of Jasper...

And please _do tell_ _me_ always what you feel - it would have been so not like you, if not. That is a really great thing about you." she said convinced.

 

Octavia smiled. Things were finally looking up. There was a soft sparkle of light on the road they have taken - a path of things that they have gotten themselves into, and gotten through.

 

“All those things we have done – you, Bellamy, me, the others - we made decisions." she replied, as if to letting it all go.

Octavia got on her feet, she must be going. The sun was moving across the sky, just in time to make it back to camp. Bellamy would be waiting for her, and if she doesn't return, he will come after them into the woods. Then they would never find each other, not that easily.

“But Octavia I am not coming back with you. Tell Bellamy that".

Talking about all this, Clarke still felt it was only the top the iceberg of things troubling her – an iceberg that lay heavy and cold on her. Things she didn't want to think about, if the other girl only knew, all this was only small part of the things on her mind.

“He will come for you, you know”

“So let him come”.

She has to head back. The other way all three of them would be lost in the woods. That is not really was she has been aiming for.

 

“You’re sure?’ she turned around once again.

The blonde was further away now, already staring into the distance without any though.

Still Octavia saw some light at the end of the tunnel, some hope.

 

“Lighten up a bit. And eat your food.”

Then she walked away. At least her part of the mission was finished.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

***

The slow water of the stream was gently flowing, almost without a sound.

Not even a sound came from the woods, it was so quiet, like the whole world has stopped.

And just for them.

It was only a few minutes after they have found her again, Bellamy with Octavia, camping nearby as before, just next to the warmer stream of the water.

Octavia had led her brother, all the way back, per his request. Octavia discerned that this is the right time to excuse herself to go hunt for a rabbit for their dinner, if they decided to stay the night.

Clarke and Bellamy were just standing few feet apart facing each other, alone, quiet.

Only a sudden small shriek of feral animal came from the trees.

"At Mt. Weather I am sorry I have let you down." the girl broke the silence.

" _What are you talking about?"_

"You were relying on me to come up with a plan, a good plan, that doesn't kill everyone, but I didn't..... and my plan had failed.

I can't go _back_ _to them_ , not ever. After what I have done, you can't make me." she was breaking down. "This is now _I feel_."

 

He took a step closer. She took a step back. She nearly tumbled upon a steady rock.

He hated seeing her like this, the one thing he could never see - her doubting herself. Actually, it may have been something that he never saw before, not since day one, since the drop-ship came to earth. Or maybe she didn't let him see it, now she did _. What have they done to her?_

"Don't forget that it is _they_ that did this to _us_. What _all of them_ did!" He was getting angrier, louder. Mt. Weather, their leaders, grounders and the Ark itself... He didn't think talking to her finally would be easy, but still he was now set on that an easy approach just wasn't the right way - not for now anyways. He had to knock some sense back into her - he knew that, but couldn't lose the better of him, let himself to get out of control - while being raving mad about everything. Just when looking at her now, that what he was afraid of. She was blinking fast. "You think you can go on like this ?!" Bellamy said with forcefulness. "Who do you think you are?"

She move back, few steps back. She was moving backwards, _as if to get away from him_ , but still it seemed there were words and thoughts on her lips, that she wanted to share and shout.

_There were small teardrops now glistening in her eyes._

 

He grabbed her arms and moved her right against a tree.

She was breathing hard, afraid almost, but slowly she looked into his eyes - she didn't budge.

_"You are the same person as before, the same person I have met at the drop-ship!"_

he exclaimed _"that not long time ago!"._

"Not different enough" she gives a sad smile. She stops now, catching her breath.

He is still holding her, still with enough force, that if she wanted, she couldn't have moved.

"But since them so many people have died because of me... " now she was pleading.

"How can we go back to being the same people?

Finn, TonD'C, Mt. Weather - they are _all_ gone ."

Bellamy replied: "But I am _here_. Doesn't that mean anything?!"

He looks at her with those dark hazelnut eyes, now dark.

"Yes, it does!   But it is too selfish, all too selfish....". He draws himself closer, as if to finally get something out of her - _anything at all_ , of her thoughts.

"But love ... " she stop abruptly in mid-sentence, not finishing what she wanted to say.

 

He pulls himself back a bit, as if surprised at what she was saying, suddenly not knowing what to expect. "Love is weakness" she finishes.

For a while he looks deep in though, looking somewhere over her shoulder, into the trees of the forest, still not letting go of her arms. Somewhere very close a bird is chirping relentlessly.

"Where have you heard _that_?" he says suddenly, returning to this world.

 

She must smile a bit - even in an intense situation like this, he always knew how to make her relax, _let go_.. at least for a while..... How does he do it?

 

Her eyes sparkle - he notices, as always - the same iridescent neon glow, ever-seeing, ever-knowing. But does she know?

Right now it well seems she does. He _must_ figure this thing out, he must - although right now he can't seem to stop this shaking going all the way through his body.

While thinking to himself, I am _never_ letting you go, he looses his hold of her, lets her go from his grip - takes a step back. So she doesn't see it.

But not that far away.

 

"We have survived." he says in low husky voice. "What more do you want?"

"There is nothing more that I want.'' she said with an air of finality.

 

"The _sky people_ have been saved. The camp has been saved.

It _will_ survive." Bellamy stated, in though, he just came back from there.

"But no for me. Don't you understand? At what price it all had happened!"

 

After taking some breathing time, time-out.

"We were like true soldiers, Clarke. We went through the war, we survived it. You did what you did, _we did_ what we had to do, for such an outcome. Now it is over."

As I the told you once before - who we are and who need to be to survive are very different things."

"But I am not a soldier!"

"Then stop acting like one. Being out here in the cold. Now it is time to go back to the person you were. You were before."

"I am not sure I can ever do _that_. Not sure I can even remember it."

He was standing next to her at arms length again, slowly moving, as if hunting a rabbit.

 

"I should have never sent you" Clarke said.

"You shouldn't have".

"To Mt. Weather, I mean.

But I did.

I didn't _want to_ let you go."

"Yes, I know." he says angrily. "One minute you are saying…… _"I can't loose you too"…"_ mocking her now "and then ... you completely change your mind. All cold and calculating. Not even saying goodbye."

"I didn't want to say goodbye, it was just not like that." she sobbed.

 

"Princess, " he walks around to face her "I was angry at you the whole time, the whole time in Mt. Weather. I was angry at you! It is the thing that got me through, only thing that took me through...."

She lifted her blue eyes up to him, with a hint of expectation. Expectation of salvation, or a even greater hit.

"I was worried, I was worried sick".

He nodded.

Placing his hand on her chin, lifting her head, with eyes looking down, up to face him.

He said now in a more playful tone, to cheer her up: " _But you didn't have to be, because you have discovered that I am indeed a skilled saboteur, spy and soldier after all._

 _And an action hero."_ he said after a while.

Now she had to laugh, tilting hear head a bit, throwing it back.

He smiled as well. For a brief while they were smiling together.

 

He was catching his breath. Leaning into each other, crouching for space.

He was the first one to break off the moment that they had, being close to each other, almost touching, feeling the warmth of on another bodies, breathing.

Breathing in the fresh air... All sorts of information was going trough his mind. He left the circle of rocks were they standing now, towards the inviting water. He sighed to himself, anticipating the upcoming.

 _Now, after all this, he will have to get her naked_.

 

***

When the somewhat magic spell of their closeness was broken, panic slowly crept back into Clarke's veins.

His dark eyes gazing at her, he said: "You still haven't tried the clothes I've sent you".

She was still in shinning black, wearing the same leather uniform the grounders gave her, so that she wouldn't stand out so and to keep her warm. Not that she hadn't stood out by far anyhow. Bits and piece were torn, or hanging by a thread...

"I will not let them make a grounder out of you. At least not yet. Without a fight!"

He took out his knife, to _cut her out of the clothes_ if needed to. It seemed about necessary.

 

"No!" she shrieked, as if her life was being threatened.

She saw the knife. She wasn't sure about what he was going to do.

Moving quickly away from him, Bellamy shouted:

"Now, now after all that you are afraid of me?!"

"Yes, I am, okay? I am!"

When he lifted an eyebrow waiting for an explanation, she continued.

"Afraid that you will say that it was all my fault. That it is _all_ … upon me."

 _"Yes, it is Clarke"_ he was ready with an answer. "Right from the start with your " _I need you_ ", - I would have been _gone,_ far away by now. Right after that your " _I can't lose you too_ ", I would have gone nowhere, I wouldn't have gone to Mt. Weather. If you hadn't changed your mind that day...

And the _rest_ , the rest is not your fault." he shook his head hastily.

He continued, returning again to Mt. Weather: "As I said, I was angry at _you_ the whole time I was there, underground - how cold you were, contradicting, at the very last moment I saw you. But that anger, above all things, allowed me to survive, allowed me to fight.

It is always the same - as if the first time we decided, with Murphy - we decide together.

I wanted to go to Mt. Weather, after a while you agreed. I went. _Just as easy as that_.

 

"I am not sure we are in control here, I am not sure we are in the right state of mind. So really, don't, don't....".

It actually kind of made sense. Bellamy wasn't so sure of himself. But he though in his mind: _"If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it with my bare hands, not with this knife."_ The few opportunities he had missed.... _H_ e didn't want to say it out loud, it didn't feel like it would help the situation. And he said it anyway.

She stopped moving, as if a clear mind was starting to take over, instead she stood, unsure and shaking.

He grabbed her into her arms. Pulled her against him, knife in his hand, using the knife to cut trough the leather on the cloth on her body. She started to fight, arms wrestling, trying to push him off, again shouting: "No!".

He just wanted to get rid of the clothes, _free her of it, of its shell_.

Of the hold the grounders had over her.

The times he was supposed to be there for her, for them, but wasn't, he wanted at all to go away.....

 

But he held her tightly, after a moment she knew not to wrestle, and she let him - slowly, tremblingly, surrendering in his arms. Surrendering to his activity. It just took few seconds, but a few seconds that Bellamy had not wasted. The dress couldn't have been taken down the normal way, the bolts and strings were sticky, and out of place, knotted. Clarke hadn't moved, hadn't breathed for that. She was still afraid of Bellamy, of him being angry at her. At least his hands were warm, that was a plus.

Clarke though to herself, after all the protests it was a relief feeling the leather opening up, letting air into her lungs, feeling the soft prickle of the fresh air against her skin, and Bellamy being so methodic and concentrated, it was almost erotic.

She felt numb but free, like she haven't in along time, as if drinking a large dose of alcohol, relaxing, and dizziness running trough her veins. She was a prisoner no more.

"Now take a bath." he commanded pointing to the water.

"You really need it, princess".

 

***

"I won't look".

 

She decided to obey. Suddenly it has sounded like a good idea. She took her clothes off, now easily, one by one...

She got into the water. The sun was playing on the small waves. The water that was still before was now disrupted by her motion, her body.

The sun was glistening in her eyes, so that she almost wouldn't know where she was. Golden mirrors on the water like magic. On the top the water was warm to her skin, soothing, you could feel the cold coming down from beneath. But she didn't mind.

 

And he really didn't look. Now he slowly turned, more relaxed, from where he was standing near the trees, as she submerged herself into the water. She got her hair wet, at least something she could do right now to subdue its long and untamed nature. She really would be needing some shampoo soon.

He sat down on a rock just next to the water, watching her with a peaceful look in his eyes. Yet he was alert, she could see that, hand near his gun, just in case really, if some sort of a sea monster should decide to make an appearance.

_She did smile at him occasionally. When the sun filled her sights again, and the sky was pale, it felt like only just now was her first day on Earth. As she would have imagined it to be. All those painting, for such a long time, alone in her cell._

_The drop-ship has just landed, and the two of them - Bellamy and her - were the only people left on the Earth._

 

Then they would say a few words, joke and laugh to a certain extent occasionally. Jokes about sea monsters and sea creatures, something you didn't hear on the Ark that very often. And yet, after centuries, a few tales have survived and kept their fairytale aspect even in the open space.

 _Indeed she looked like a mermaid maiden to him, who swam in the lake, elements mirroring in her golden hair, the see-trough eyes, for whom the soldier is ready and prepared to march into his doom. For this siren_.

 

When she moved towards the shore later on and made a gesture that she might be getting out, he without a word being said, turned and moved into the direction of the trees again. When it was time, he left her unprotected, with no one to watch over her while she dressed, yet he was sure it had to be done. At least for a short while.

 

She had found a towel and clothes prepared, underwear was neatly tied in a small cloth. " _From_ your mother" he said, while he was laying the things down for her before, from the pack Octavia had brought days ago.

She got into the fresh clothes, all smelling lovely. _Almost like the sweet scent of pine coming from the woods._

 

As he was slowly returning to back her, she joked to the boy: "Well, this definitely looks like it has been picked by my mother."

_Such a soft and fragile fabric under her fingers, touching her skin._

***

Now there was a great time for Octavia to be returning from the woods, bearing two rabbits in her hands.

"So how are you two holding up? Still alive?" Octavia tried to joke, yet curious.

She looked from one to another.

"He tried to kill me _only_ once." Clarke said with a serious tone, which unexpectingly send a chill trough the siblings spines, looking up at her. The blonde laughed a bit, as if it seemed fun to her, both of them looking at her like they did.

Then there was a pause, Octavia didn't say anything, didn't feel the need - she rather got to work. She made the fire, Bellamy helping her, cooking, making their dinner ready.

The sun was now setting, night was falling. The paleness of the other girl was again being visible in the soft glow of the fire. The sun had put color in her cheeks only on a borrowed time.

 

They sat by the fire, Bellamy and Octavia on one side, cozying up next to each other against the cold, Clarke choosing a place opposite them alone. Their spirits were lifted by the food ahead of them.

Clarke bited on her portion of the meat hungrily, but she was careful for them not to see just how hungry she was. She by herself wasn't that great a hunter, so she hadn't had a proper meal in days. It has been _so long_ she was actually needed at a hunting party.

Octavia takes the special herbs out of her pocket again, to add flavor, and Bellamy being reminded of her sisters new obsession suddenly laughs out loud.

Clarke jumps up, startled, her eyes wide open. She is glad that they aren't looking, don't see that she is actually quite terrified. Like an animal instinct has awakened in her, with the warm meat, cold and dampness coming from the forests, laying there just on the edge of darkness - she wished _to hide_ again, to hide.

If their were paying a bit more attention, they would have realized soon enough about the hunting, and even more so they would be ready to drag her back to camp.

She was afraid, afraid of _them_ too. Why is that so? She really didn't see any reason to be. She doesn't have to be afraid of them, of Bellamy...

She is like in a half-daze, in a dream, that they were trying to wake her up _from it!_

 

But still, it wasn't going as well as they had planned, Clarke still feeling so lonely and distant, not yet.

Watching them, now with a new-found calm appreciation, eating next to each other, trying to take it all in, her mind so difficult to function, the blonde was thinking, mesmerized:

 _"Why is Bellamy always so driven, so ready? Always looking the same, so in control and so cool. Where does his strength come from, what is fueling it, guiding it?!_ Is it all those years _when he alone had to take care of his mother and sister, or at least he felt the responsibility?"_ One would wonder. But if that was all that there was to it, Clarke thought, being it a mystery to her.

 _Octavia_ _on the other hand_ was looking under better inspection to her more tired, it was showing in her face. Signs of fatigue, confusion. Surely it was the trip back and forth she journeyed on because of her?

If Clarke knew what Octavia was thinking right then, then she would have been surprised, the other girl looking at her brother sitting so close to her, she was thinking quite the contrary: _How could had he been so out of it, moving round at the camp like a body without a soul?_ Looking at him now, it has seemed his true spirit has returned. He didn't seem so helpless, lost, which maybe the others didn't see, but she felt all right.

_Clarke herself was the change. Was it actually her that was always leading her dear brother forward, challenging him, giving him the strength? Who knows..._

But she wouldn't be _that_ surprised.

*******


	4. Chapter 4

***

The night seemed never-ending. Clarke tried to snuggle into her blanket to get some warmth, but it all seemed useless. She was still feeling the cold sweeping in. _The first night she felt so cold_. The second night outside alone she would just lay down and sleep and she didn’t even know about the world. She was so tired, and she didn’t feel anything, from the outside or on the inside.

But now - all those things - kept rushing back to her. She felt the cold on her skin, she felt the heat of fire, its smell, she had felt the good and the bad. _Like everything had sharp edges again_. So sharp she could feel the pain as well. Unfortunate, she though.

And next to the pain there was longing and belonging. She looked at the siblings - they already sleeping, both of them. She looked around into the darkness.

_She was reminded of the Ark, where she felt safe – long corridors, sharp edges of the doors, the unnatural smell of the air, dim flickering lights – and through the windows she could see nothing but black._

_Black all around, the constant Midnight. And yet in her memories it felt like home._

 

When they lied down Bellamy did feel the cold of night air – and just as well he felt the distance from Clarke. She was not so far away, just a few feet apart. Yet out of his reach.

In reflection he felt her presence was just as cold as the wind and the tension just as hot as the fire, just there next to his hand. “Come lay next to us“ he said, even though he knew maybe he shouldn’t. What could have stopped him?

With no answer.

Octavia decided, whispered - rather not to push it. She will get more jumpy then she already is. And possibly run away from them.

He and Octavia were supposed to take turns on keeping guard. But Bellamy felt, after the night so lonely and quiet, that he would fall asleep, recklessly. And then they both did. Later in the night Bellamy had woken up and moved closer to Clarke, more to the middle so he would lie in between. Both girls being almost at his reach.

 

In the morning Clarke woke-up to slight ran on her face. She felt rested. The fire had died. During the night she had noticed that Bellamy moved his position to be closer, closer to her.

“And now lets get back to camp” Octavia said with a rise and shine attitude. “We should get a move on. I’m getting hungry”. It seemed the food was still better at the camp.

They packed up their things, tidied-up, without Clarke saying anything.

 

She dreaded the though of going back to camp. Same as she did few weeks ago, and for the same reasons. Again she didn’t want to face her mother. Face the others, all of them who now knew what she has done, what she and Bellamy had done. People from the Ark she didn’t even know, recognize.

Yet they didn’t know anything. _They would think they do, but really they wouldn’t._ Anything about the conditions they had after they had landed, when they were all sent so drastically to Earth. The actual shock of the grounders.

The quick change they all had to go through – from being children (really?), then prisoners of their own people – to being fighters, all the time, and with every decision hanging on a thread.

She was sure they had all gone through a lot on the Ark, things she couldn’t and didn’t want to imagine, but still they wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t see….

_And worst of all they would think they know her._

 

Yet at the same time she wouldn’t know what to do. _In the woods all by herself again?_ Driving herself crazy, driving herself mad?

So she tagged along. Along with the siblings plan. While preparing for the trip they were starting to get worried, noticing her pause, so she just started to smile. _Smile at them_. And all the morning doubt suddenly disappeared, for her and for them.

 

They had walked through the trees side by side, the rain slowly stopping. They laughed and joked about bears appearing from the woods suddenly, the two faced deer Clarke had seen and other unexpected creatures.

Nobody wanted to talk about the events of the past, not anymore - not right now, maybe not even ever. Nobody really wanted to talked about the camp as well, what it will be like, what to expected there - they didn’t know - or how they will go on to be perceived?

_The girl from the floor, the assassin of the chancellor and the high-born princess_. Really? It is all they were? First time with the grown-ups under one roof. A symbolic one, anyhow…

 

Bellamy and Clarke were thinking for themselves almost the same things, in different terms – no power to decide, no will of their own anymore. Their one decision, that always changed the course of things before, that had the power to make things go as they wanted or hoped, with nobody looking over them, controlling them – now most probably won’t have the reach to influence anyone anymore.

 

If left them both slightly worried – what is the next stage to this? All this responsibility?

Bellamy was sure he wasn’t anybody’s lackey, that’s for sure.

_Clarke just wanted to be left in peace._

Not to be in the eyes of everyone anymore – she was just tired. And funnily enough she was sure that after what she had done at Mt. Weather, nobody would want to come near her. And she would be getting the peace she has wished for, she realized, with a bittersweet feeling on her tongue.

***

Sometimes there was a small path in the trees, full of uneven rocks. But it was even harder then walking in the soft thick green grass of the woods, they watched their steps all the time. Nobody seemed to be in sight. They felt safe here for now.

She never really looked at him. Was she still angry about yesterday? Of which part of the day and his actions would it be, Bellamy wasn’t really sure anymore. The whole way she never looked him in the eye.

Octavia was a few steps ahead now, looking for their path.

Clarke walking smiled slightly, when asked she answered with a few sentences or so, but not more. She kept looking to the ground. He felt worried. The further they got from their previous sleeping camp, the more prominent the feeling grew. He started to feel he didn’t believe her. He felt wary, suspicious, questioning her mood, and thinking about his next actions.

Just when these unpleasant feelings came to him, they were almost always swept away with something more tender.

And he remembered yesterday, the bath. _Why could he not_ _live through it one more time, in his thoughts?_

He was glad taking his leave when needed, when she were to undress, that he had kept his cool, _he wasn’t rattled, no confusion, dizziness at all_. Just waiting nearby like that. _Although that was exactly what he was feeling - deep down - he knew that._

So while watching her swim, he was relieved that she hasn’t invited him to join her. Although once or twice he saw the though there, sitting on her lips, but never uttered. Never really offered. She sun beating down and burning, she in the cool of the water _just_ _like that_ , and he felt grateful he wasn’t tested to this temptation. The one thing he did actually fear.

While similarly pondering some of the more pleasant parts of yesterdays afternoon, Clarke wasn’t really worried about Bellamy seeing her like that, seeing her almost without anything on, she felt it _was no time for being vulnerable_. But still, looking back now, she was a just a bit embarrassed on how brave she was. She should have invited him in.

Maybe he wouldn’t be feeling so cold to her as he is right now.

 

Clarke wished that she could have talked to him about some of the things she had been thinking, about the camp, but even so the thoughts just never seemed to really leave the lips.

 

She did see him looking at her, felt his gaze now and then, questioning. He was getting more worried, alert. She knew she must get ahead, get ahead now.

Just do it.

She lifted her sights and looked straight into his. It was a long look; he caught her eye and reciprocated. For her, her blue eyes gleaming a brightest as possible, she knew it was a look full of insincerity and deceit.

_For him_ – he just smiled back at her.

He sighted relieved, for a moment. He was off his guard a bit.

_Like she wanted him to. That gained her time._

He was lulled for a moment into a false sense of security.

_Back to the grown-ups, people who already had her locked up on the Ark for one year… for political crimes?!_

Octavia pulled back, catching up with them, reporting on what is ahead of them. Bellamy took few steps forward to meet her, to discuss - there were fallen trees across the way, and streams of water have spilled out into the grass all around, after one of the latest storms. As when they decided on what to do next, and they turned around ….. _she was gone._

***

She ran on top of the hill, aiming upwards.

Taking on the rocks and bushes hastily one by one.

She knew it was a risky venture, and yet she had gone for it.

She had to run.

She was nearly out of breath, panting, from the frantic movement. It was as much the exercise that made her exhausted, as it was her decision, the nervousness about the outcome. _And the determination that it was the right choice._

 

Bellamy knew in a second what had happened. How could he have been so stupid? He let himself be fooled, led on, in the last moment. She never wanted to go back to the camp. _She never said so_.

Octavia looking around, wasn’t sure about what had happened yet, she was not alarmed. While after a few moments the question was on her lips: “Where is Clarke?” She looked aimlessly at the trees and at Bellamy and then back again. Then she realized. “She is gone” he said.

Cheer in her voice she said: _“So it seems you have lost her again, big brother”._ He didn’t say anything, standing still, brooding, he stated: “So now we will have to find her and drag her back.” He was calm, as sure of the outcome he was.

_As his name was Bellamy Blake, he will not leave her here in the wilderness. And be defeated by some girl… his will was his own_.

 

She turned. She was far enough. It had seemed to her the ground was already spinning underneath her now, rock and grass all blurring into one, although she wasn’t that high yet.

What she would give for a nice glass of water now!

She will stop going upwards now, she decided to follow around the hill and find a safe cave or something to hide. Hide out for a while. If she was so lucky…

 

Bellamy left most of his things and shouted to Octavia “Stay here!” and then he added “And don’t move”. He is not losing his sister too. He was going after her.

“Bring her back, in one piece!” O was calling to him, without much of chance of a reply. He was moving fast - like a panther in the free woods looking for his prey, which he was.

 

He was moving upwards. Tracing her steps, but mostly by intuition.

Although it seemed like longer, just a few minutes had passed. She underestimated how quick he could be if he wanted.

He grabbed her from the back, she didn’t have time to react.

 

Well, that gone so well, Clarke thought to herself. That didn’t last so long!

And now she has gotten to phase two - she is going to have to talk to him, explain to him …. which she was really trying to avoid.

 

He grabbed her and instead of pulling her downwards, he kept pushing her upwards. On the hill, the rock.

 

Now he is going to throw me off, Clarke was thinking, well at least it will be quick.

There was a lot of wrestling back and forth, but they were still moving upwards, he didn’t say a word.

She didn’t resist, she didn’t feel the self-preservation instinct anymore.

They have reached the summit, a wonderful view opened up in front of them. It was breathtaking.

_A valley beneath, golden trees and sunshine and the uncompromising and sharp rocks beneath them._ It looked like a long fall. She was never really a fan of heights, she remembered when she looked down.

On the horizon there were lakes shimmering, covered in bit of a fog, otherwise it had looked like a promised land.

The earth was preserved, fresh and growing.

She had never seen it all from such a perspective before. They just stood looking together, Bellamy pushing her forward:

“I not planning on throwing you off, if that is what you were thinking.”

“So why did you take me here?” she said in a hostile voice.

He waived his hand towards the valley.

“To see. Do you see?”

_There was an intensity to his voice._

 

She looked around.

“Was that what you were wishing for?” Bellamy asked, referring to his sentence before. He was afraid of her answer.

She slowly turns, facing him to look him straight into the eye and says: “No.”

“Good.” He hides his relief.

 

“Do you see? It’s the whole world, Clarke.” He announces, waiving his hand again, gesturing. They are still struggling.

“I see. Stop pushing me.”

Now they stand still.

 

“The world ahead. It could be ours.

It is ours.

Ours to conquer, our to rule, our to own – and to build.

Not to let ourselves be run down by it.”

 

“Are you going to give me one of your speeches?” she smirks, still not moved.

“I am.”

 

He brought her closer to him and to the edge, few of the rocks started falling down. They were both looking down and then towards the horizon again. She wanted to see, see what he saw.

 

“Lets build a society. An empire of our own. The others on the Ark – they didn’t have this chance. “

He turned her towards him: “And maybe even, Clarke, they didn’t have the guts.

Come on lets get history something to say about, when we’re long gone ... and the cities are in the dust.”

 

She shook her head. She felt like an ungrateful child questioning what he has been saying, when it was all so beautiful, so true.

 

“I know how things just fold in at your sight. They follow your will, or you make them to, either one. It doesn’t have to end good. And it won’t, probably. But lets try.

Let things burn in your sight, let them fall and tremble, obey you, lets spread like a wildfire across this land – maybe until there is nothing left.

I know you can do it. I have seen you do it And together we can.”

 

She was lost for words. Listening to him speak, like that, it always got to her, She knew it did. So intensely, although not believing it while he spoke, she knew it will get under her skin. And she will be under his spell, like the rest of the hundred, when he got like this - inspirational, with the faith to back it up.

 

“What do you want, Clarke?”

“Nothing. I want nothing.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” She could answer without thinking.

“I feel so cold. Stone cold.” she said.

“It will get better. I will help.

I am there for you. You know _that_.”

She nodded. In though she looked to the ground.

He was standing in way of the light. His face and eyes shielded, almost dark.

On the other hand when she moved and looked up the sun was making her face shine, lashes and eyes even more blue, and her blonde hair now almost white. Golden would be a better word.

 

A pair of probably wild geese flew by, making unfamiliar sounds. Further away there were large flocks of birds moving to the south.

The sun was setting, with the last rays prominent and setting a golden sheen on some parts of the nature.

The day was getting shorter. Up the hills the pine trees were already covered in shadow.

 

“So _you_ are going to listen to Kane?”

Clarke asked. Bellamy answered:

“I don’t know. We will see.

Yeah. For now.”

 

With force of his body he pulled her closer now, their faces nearly touching, the wind sweeping through and up both of their hair.

“Lets make this world what we want it to be.” He leaned into her. “The stronger we get, then all the random hits they can’t harm us, they won’t break us...”

 

Now leaning backwards, standing upright again, so tall, taller then her, freckles showing in his face, he said:

 

_“Whatever you want, princess._

_Whatever the hell you want.”_

 

He offered her, he promised her. He asked her.

 

Looking into his eyes and at his expression, she knew what he meant, he was offering her his soul and heart. All the options.

And she couldn’t say no. She didn’t.

 

“Now _Clarke_ will you come back to the camp with me?”

“Yes.” She said.

 

He was relieved. He sighed.

“Now let’s enjoy the view for a while, before we head back.”

 

She rested her forehead on his arm. She was now tired.

He put his arm around her waist lightly, looking from the cliff _into the_ _wilderness and sunshine lying at their feet._

***                                                            


	5. Chapter 5

***

While walking back into camp Clarke couldn’t help but say: _“Hope you are not begging me to get out of my clothes anytime soon.”_

Bellamy knew she didn’t mean to flirt, yet there was no other way to take it really.

“I’m glad you are feeling better princess.”

 

Walking one step ahead of her now, he couldn’t help turn around, to catch her eye just before he will probably lose her to the crowd.

She was looking straight at him, a smile on her face. He smiled back.

It was true she was somewhat feeling better right now.

_Walking with Octavia and Bellamy into camp. There was a strange familiar feeling about it._

_A feeling she knew – like she was – like she was coming Home._

 

_***_


	6. Chapter 6

Everything was white. Everything in the camp seemed white to her. The too much bright sun, hurting her eyes, the dim neon lighting of what was left of the Ark on the ground. The whites of the eyes of people looking at her, their pale skin revealed to her while to be examined - that is all she saw… She was sure that the snow was supposed to be white as well, and it will probably be coming soon. Just her luck.

_As if she was colorblind. As if she was numb._

_It was as she wished, it was as she hoped. Nobody in camp seemed to pay any attention to her._

Things only changed sometime when she saw _him_ , further away, in conversation with someone, then it all had came back, suddenly, the memories. And it was color, and it was sharp – and she learned to avoid it.

They gave her a daily routine, few tasks in the infirmary - her mother, she was so glad to have her back. And she was buzzing around her like a bee, her tensions and fears lifted, she was happy. After a while, when she understood that Clarke isn’t much in for sharing or venting, she, well … she got lost in her daily routine as well. Still happy though, so many people to take care of, somehow forgetting about her…. when she stopped trying.

In the evening, when her all her tasks and duties were finished, she closed herself in her tent, finally being alone. Before she was really alone as well, but now she didn’t have to pretend she is okay all the time… to smile slightly, doing as she was present and content in every moment and situation…

And so then she _let it_ _all slip away_ – stared at the dark cloth of the tent, not thinking at all. Or she lost herself in thought. Depending on what kind of evening it was. But when the night really came - she could barely sleep, so she just stared at the walls, turning, again.

_If only she could get some sleep_.

The camp in its _real_ _colors_ was actually  dark brown, as the muddy ground, green as the falling leaves of the trees all around, dirty as the tents, which withstood a lot heavy rain lately, and the dark metal silver grey of the inside of the Ark.

One would think _Octavia_ would be in much better spirits after the “rescue” mission and bringing Clarke home… but on the contrary - _the eerie change of the weather has gotten under everyone’s skin_. Wind sweeping through the camp and the tents, people wouldn’t stop and chat, friendly like before - they just hurried on, taken care of the necessary, and quickly walked on by.

So if the atmosphere in camp was quite lively before, it now had become quite dreary.

_And she didn’t see her brother getting actually any better._

Octavia had noticed the actual _non-communication_ between Clarke and her brother.

He spent most of his time at the guard, on and around the gates and the surrounding areas, the whole day not really being near the heart of camp.

Some other days he would disappear altogether - for a whole part of a day at time, but that nobody really noticed that he had gone missing. _Only she had noticed._

He would be back with some furs and meat now and then. She knew he had gone _hunting_.

Out of necessity for entertainment, to escape the dullness… or just the people, who were telling him what to do … or just to clear his head - she didn’t know.

***

He sensed her distance from him, her coolness. _As though she hated him._ She was _avoiding_ him. She was _startled_ every time he walked into a room.

He didn’t know why, but soon he got on board. The atmosphere was kinda strange that way. It was _electric_ all around, and he wasn’t immune to it.

But not in a good way. _It was sending chills down his spine_. So he learned as well to try to avoid her. But at the same time  to keep an eye on her, just in case.

_It came naturally_. It was actually much easier this way. Easier to handle.

_It was as if they shared a secret. A secret nobody else was let on into…_

She was carrying heavy weight around on her shoulders.

He had a foreboding that something like this might happen, when they got back into camp. Their relationship would change yet in another way.

_Now as if everything was on hold…_

They weren’t lost in the wilderness anymore, yet it had looked as if they have let themselves to be lost in the wilderness of their own thoughts.

Octavia came into his tent. Like wild waters as always, she was in a rush. She was looking for something she had forgot.

He was bending over his freshly-pursued furs, inspecting them in his hands.

“What are you doing?” she stopped in her tracks when she saw him.

“Working on these furs.”

“Why don’t you let _the others_ do it?”

“ _These are mine_ ” he said possessively.

Like a child, like she was trying to take them away from him, _sure_.

“From your _lonesome and dangerous_ hunting trips?”

He didn’t say anything.

“I presume” she finished the though and then sighted.

“What will you use them for?” what a _needless_ question, she knew how cold it was getting outside, yet she felt _the_ need to ask.

“For Clarke” he said suddenly honestly. He paused: “She is cold at night”.

“She told you that?” He just shrugged. She had noticed that they haven’t been talking much lately, being curios…

“ _And it was the first thought that came to mind on how to keep her warm_?!” she exclaimed. She was now moving to leave the tent. She turned around one last time and smirked at him: _“You really are a lost cause, you know.”_ She said that with a hint of mirth in her voice.

Then she had left him alone.

***

_It was getting so cold outside_. Difficult to have any other thoughts, when she was in her tent. Difficult to hold on to them…or to just let in the cold. Yet in here it was the only place she had felt calm, safe. She was left alone and there was no one. _She had felt herself_.

But as the darkness came she laid shaking her teeth and staring at the walls.

Her mother was not there, she had spent long nights in the infirmary, and even then late hours discussing the policy and _being chancellor_ …. staying in the main ship.

She had her room there, but Clarke insisted she had her own space as well.

During the nights she invited her to join them, join the discussions, to stay warm, to be inside… But she didn’t want to.

And so she stayed in her tent, letting the cool of the night sink in.

_When she did dream, ever only half-asleep, she was dreaming of the Ark, up there in space, walking in its corridors… looking for some room, but she didn’t remember which one, so she would never find it…_

Clarke felt this way whenever she has met _him_ , Bellamy – in the hallway, outside by the tents, in the mess hall…

All the other people were just blurs to her – some smiling happy, others lost in thought, never stopping, just maybe for a quick “hi” and “you are doing well?” with a concerned look. She nodded, and they would be gone and she was relieved.

She was glad they were doing okay. _But she couldn’t muster up the feeling that it had meant anything to her. They were all grey._

But not with him, it was not.

Whenever she felt his presence, _it was all there_. The tension in the room grew, her head was spinning. _Who they were was real_. _What they did was real._

Everything has gone into slow motion around her.

And what they had gone through - ever since they had landed - _was real enough_.

With the others it was like a dream. It was easy to forget it all…

But not _with_ him.

Usually her spine would tingle and fiery-hot sensation would go through _her_. But not a pleasant one. _Like she was staring down into an open pit of a volcano_. _The burning flames…_. So she rather avoided him again.

_All dressed in black, with an air of semi-importance around him, pale and lovely as he was….. this was her reaction._

Like sitting in the canteen one day – they have a separate place now just next to the kitchen established in the remnants of the ark – she sitting next to her mother and Kane, who are discussing with each other enclosed in semi-whisper. She would catch his eye across the other people and open tables – there was a hint of a question and reproach in his hazel eyes.

_The seven circles of hell. Presenting now. Mt. Weather. All over again. She moved her head in a different direction_.

He bowed down into his plate.

***

They were gathering by the fire. She was invited. It was supposed to be a “big party”. But she wasn’t so sure about that. When she came, everybody was already there, but kind of quiet.

As if resting, relaxing, finally – which was good.

It was the closest circle of the 100, of the ones that were left. They liked to hang out together lately quite closely a lot. And they let her into their circle. _Well, obviously…_

The rest of the 47 treated her with respect – when she met them, while roaming around camp – they were nice to her, grateful. Probably knew what she had gone through for them, and maybe some of them had an inkling of what she must have given up.

Raven with Wick, then there was Jasper and Monty, Octavia, few others would join later. _And_ Bellamy.

There were few drinks, few jokes. They were having slightly fun. Most of it happened in quiet conversations. Octavia with Monty whispering, who knew what about. She sat upfront the fire and watched its flames, enjoyed its warmth.

Now they grew quieter, passing around the moonshine, looking at her - as is she was supposed to say something. _Nothing came to mind_. She took her sip from the flask and then passed it forward. She was watching Bellamy through the flames. He looked older now.

Who was he? What kind of twisted fate brought them together and kept them connected? How could she _break it_ … this connection they _had_ to each other…

When he looked up, straight at her, as if he sensed her stare, there was a new trace of a challenge in his eyes. When she looked again there was a hint of sadness.

Bellamy on the other hand finally understood why she doesn’t want to talk to him. _Look at him even_. It was suddenly clear to him, watching her now. He was the only thing that reminded her of Mt. Weather. _Cage. Dante_. The very last moment, all the moments before, that led them there…And the first moments, locked inside the mountain…

He was the only thing in camp that reminded her _of it_. Maybe Monty, but that was different. It was supposed to be  their plan. And now when she faced him, she _couldn’t turn away_ from it. _Couldn’t stop caring._ How bizarre. Other people at the camp were okay…. But him, when it came to him, it all became tangible again – just within their reach. A taste on their tongue that just wouldn’t go away.

_Such a girl, he didn’t expect to meet her there in the middle of the fights_.

To see her beautiful face reflecting the flames. What had led _them_ together? He didn’t know.

To see her now again, her face reflecting the flames, in a place like this … and in all the other places they had been, it was like this, _always_. Was this who she really? Was to him?

Now the others proceeded to try to swallow fire. _No, thank you,_ Clarke thought, _she doesn’t want to get burned tonight_. As if everybody was expecting a toast, Bellamy got her out of it by simply raising the bottle and saying shortly: _“To us, then”._ The other concurred, quiet, and raised their cups together, or whatever each of them was holding at the moment.

Suddenly, a fog was lifted. Just like that. They murmured on about a moment or two. A tension broke. But the tension, that they weren’t talking to each other, was still palpable.

For one last time Clarke let the heat of the fire warm her body, let herself enjoy it. It was time for her to go. Maybe it would get crazier later, she didn’t know. Or maybe she was holding them back. Bringing them down. Or maybe just some _other night_.

But tonight without her.

And then another though came to her, walking back to her cool tent. This connection …if she wanted, _how would she break it?_ Did she even want to?

It left her amazed.

***

She was leaning on the wall of the corridor. Resting her head back. She was tired after a long day at the infirmary. It wasn’t all on her responsibility, but still.

The metal was cool on her skin. The lights of this part of the ship were flickering and hurting her eyes.

She was lost in thought for a while.

So, that she didn’t see him standing near, didn’t hear him come.

Bellamy saw her standing there all by herself. As he approached he said to himself: “Human contact. Good idea.” _At least he can try it._

She opened her eyes into his. She was startled for a moment, but then it passed.

She knew it was unavoidable, she was supposed to say something. But she couldn’t. He kept on drawing energy from her, like always. This incredible amount of emotions, she couldn’t pinpoint or stop. She was supposed to be leaning on him, not pushing him away.

_That was their deal._

Who was this boy anyhow? Or should she say man? She couldn’t even answer that. He know nothing about him actually. Of his days on the ark… Why had he reminded her of Mt. Weather so much? It was easy – because he was there, he was there when she pulled the lever. Just there.

_They_ did. But what she had _decided_. And now he knew what she was capable of. That she was capable of  anything. That got her the most. She most let that go... sometime soon.

The only thing she knew for sure – he was important.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked unexpectedly.

“ _Nothing.”_ She nodded her head. Smiled softly.

“Still cold at night?” She didn’t say anything. She was surprised he knew that. “Are you keeping warm?” he continued.

She just shook her head in no answer.

Then she said out loud, but _more to herself_ :

“Right now we could really _forget we are not on the Ark…. Not in space”._

She looked into the distance and around at all that was surrounding them.

While she was realizing, that on the Ark they wouldn’t have even met one another. _If everything stayed as it was, like it was supposed to be…_

“But we are not” he cut off her thoughts.

She made it then clear there was nothing left she wanted to say to him.

Why was she being so mean to him?

_He only wished it didn’t get under his skin as it did. That he wouldn’t mind so._

So he just shrugged.

“Oka _yy_ ” he said with an air of finality.

He leaned into her direction closer for a second, with a pause, looking down at his feet. She didn’t want him to leave. She wanted him to stay, for a little while longer. Just like this, not saying anything. The lights flickered on.

But she didn’t say it.

She could feel his coldness. He drew his jaws tightly together and he left.

***


	7. Chapter 7

***

The wind was howling. She was shaking again. Right now she didn’t even know if it was from the cold or just her loneliness.

She pulled her blanket closer to her body, her cap closer to her ears, in a desperate attempt that it will bring some warmth. Even tough it was better for a while it was not okay.

She knew she needed something different…

He mother fell asleep in the infirmary, before she went to sleep herself. Who would be up right now? And who would like to _see her_.

The problem was that things were all too much the same he at camp.

She knew what she must do. _She already knew for some time._

Her tent was further on the back, closer to the remnants of the Ark. His tent was more on the outer side of the conglomeration, quite a big tent, but isolated as well. She knew it pretty well. Although she had _never_ been inside.

While walking through the camp it was quiet. It seemed empty. Thankfully. The only light was coming from the little torches.

One lonely torchwood was reflecting on the entrance of his tent.

She stopped in her tracks and reached out for a breath. “Bellamy!” she called out in semi-whisper, more like a statement then a question.

She opened the cloth, not waiting for an answer.

She hoped he was there. She hoped he was alone. That though came to her only just now…

_He was there._ He was _surprised_ to see her. His reaction wasn’t a surprise to _her_.

“May I come in?” she closed the tent behind, not really waiting for an answer. She didn’t really want anybody seeing her come in. It looked like she didn’t wake him – he was not asleep yet. He was wearing the same clothes as usually during the day.

_She looked around_ – she hasn’t bee to his tent before (well, maybe at their drop ship site, but not _that_ often). It was warmly lit from the fires from outside, and really big – much higher then hers. Well, obviously… There were furs that looked inviting, all around – _he really did live like a king._ That was her first thought.

“Is something wrong?” he asked huskily. But only half-alarmed.

“No. I’m cold”. She admitted. _With no explanation_. As if it was self-explanatory.

There was quiet.

“Well, _okay_ …” he was trying to take in the situation…

He hair was hanging lose, all around her face, she bent down and only now he caught a glimpse that her face was actually colorless…

And he felt pity, instead of feeling anger, like he wanted before.

For the first moment she was now unsure, that he might send her away. _Damm!_ But he didn’t.

“You can stay here tonight.”.

As if he just came up with a solution, all on his own… but he had realized a little later that was exactly what she came for…

“ _Come on_ ” he ushered her forward a pile of furs and a second mattress in the other corner of the tent, opposed to the one he was sitting on.

He maneuvered her into the furs, gathered them all around, step by step.

He was frowning, his brows pulled together. A worried look… yet he was taking care of her.

She tried not to shake with cold while he was doing it.

“Where is your mother?”

“She is inside…. _being_ chancellor.” she explained briefly.

He just nodded shortly. If he though something more, _he didn’t say_.

“Where is Octavia…” she asked in reciprocity, but with a more a have-a-right-to-know attitude in her voice.

He just answered: “Don’t worry about it”. As if a deep red color had gone over his cheeks. She was probably with Lincoln, she though.

He tried to tuck in the edges around her, but never quite leaning in, he kept his distance.

Now she finally started to feel the warmth… The furs were unbelievable - soft, cozy and warm like the best part of the real nature all around them. Must have been quite a lot of hunting, she wondered…

He would have changed the subject, but they weren’t talking about anything actually anymore.

He moved back into his corner. _And there she has her. The most elusive and unattainable girl in the whole camp, right here in his tent._

She wriggled in her bed and laughed nervously. He noticed quickly it was a laugh that could as easily turn into tears soon. It made him uneasy, she being so vulnerable... But he had noticed she stopped shaking, and that was good.

She finally was starting to get a better feeling through her skin and her bones.

“If you came here to laugh for no apparent reason, a least have a sip of this.”

He threw over a small flask of moonshine, she presumed.

_That could help break the ice, and make her warm,_ he though to himself.

She obeyed and took a sip. Tucked her hands back in.

“Now, go to sleep, princess” he ordered.

She did relax, calmer now, she sighted.

He was lying, kept his eyes open.

Although everything seemed all right right now, he could still feel this tension around.

That didn’t allow him to fall asleep.

It was really quiet outside – he was listening for something, but really nothing. Just soft night sounds. He was listening to her breathing, seeing if she had fallen asleep already. But she suspected she didn’t as well.

He heard _her move_ so he turned from his back on his side _to face her_ and said:

“Everything is fine, you know. It’s just the cold, which makes it seem this way.” His voice was now more gentle then before.

“Do you sleep at night?” she retorted.

“Not really, no.” he admitted, even though he didn’t really want to.

As if mulling over the though for a while she said: “I’m s….”

“Don’t be.” He interrupted briskly. He wanted to say, he understood, in a way.

Octavia or her crying that is the last thing he needed right now, he sighted.

_“Just everything is just so bend out of shape.”_ She said as if on her defense. With this statement he sensed she is still broken up about the all events, of the past few months - _well_ , how could she not be. It was not easy for her the letting go. As it is for him…

But as he had though to himself some time before – _he, they, cannot start healing until she is back home, until she is healing as well…and this seems to be about that time._

As if it all got to heavy, or she was reading his thoughts, she asked:

“You have much furs left on you?”

“Not really, no.”

_It was all half as embarrassing as she expected. But whether she admitted it to herself or not out of all in the camp, people from the Ark, she felt closer to him then to any one right now. When she remembered their first days… how awful was that!_

_At least here, she didn’t need to pretend._

They both lay, thinking.

_Well, to him that was typical her– drawing the lines, controlling the things. Always driving him crazy. He closed his eyes. But he couldn’t deny…_

_He would like to know, when she closes her eyes, what does she see. Locked inside that prison-tent of hers._

_She can run to the hillside, which she did, but… she didn’t escape him yet._

_He was sure their home was a very different place for her there, then for him._

_A beauty queen from the Ark, he bet. But what was she looking for?_

There was a pause. Then, as if he knew it was coming, the time has run out and she had moved in the shadows – _grabbing her furs, all of them she could get_ – towards him.

She was just there, right next to him, out of nowhere, stepped out of the shadows.

He turned to face her, again, letting out a small sight. Now he put his arms around her slightly. Let her move closer. Her hair was getting into his mouth. The warmth of his body – well, it was warm. She wrapped the furs, tried to, around the both of them.

She seemed content. All the coldness forgotten.

He turned onto his back, she laid her head on his chest.

_For her it was as a calming sedative going trough her veins._

_… she was now finally safe, in his arms, could he fall asleep?_

Almost instantly she started breathing more deeply and she fell asleep. He shortly afterwards.

During the course of the night they kept tossing and turning. His arm hurt. She was on her tummy. Her hair kept getting into his face, shimmering his nose. Sometimes closer together, sometimes further apart. But they slept.

Morning as they woke it was quite late. The sun was _way way up_. Too late actually.

So they went to attend to their duties, their separate ways.

But they both had felt a new energy. Rested like they haven’t been in a long time.

She had finally got some sleep _that night_.

***


	8. Chapter 8

***

He haven’t seen her all day. Not a big chance he will see her during the night. Again. He cleared his schedule, so he would be back in his tent by nightfall.

Ridiculous. Waiting that she might want to come.

But she did come. Her glistening hair entering the tent. She seemed to be in a better mood. She didn’t say why she came – he didn’t ask. It was already dark outside.

She said “Hmm…” instead of greeting him, he smiled.

She asked, little bit unsure “Can I…?” – he just answered “Aha.”

This time she laid down closer right away. Next to him. Right into his arms. He pulled her tighter this time.

“Your mother?”

“She may be looking for me…” she sighted “I hope we don’t get into any trouble”

“I don’t know…” he smiled sheepishly, taking advantage of what she had said.

She just lifted her head to him in mock surprise and said: “No.” Not what she meant.

He held her close, for warmth off course, but not to close.

_She could hide. She wasn’t exposed to anything here, to anyone. His warmth and smell felt different. Different then the soothing hugs of her mother, which she usually locked her into_.

If he _had_ been thinking anything… well, falling asleep the next moment was the immediate option.

This time they slept more calmly, not tossing and turning anymore.

All through the night, in an unexpected yet cozy embrace together.

He was _so_ sure his sister would come looking for him in the morning, this time around…

They slept deeply, waking up only now and then, position themselves, half-asleep.

They were both awake briefly in the very early morning. Sunlight was trying softly to break in through the walls of the tent. He woke up, his hand being placed by accident on an exposed part of her skin. Under the blanket, on the small of her back.

He touched her lightly with the tip of his fingers. The air was heavy with fresh rain.

_She_ decided better _not_ to react in any way. But then against her own judgment she moved forward slightly. This made him to caress her revaled small of the back with the plam of his hand… Not sure if knowigly or unknowigly. She opened her eyes into his. He pulled her even closer to him, tightly, and let out a slow deep breath. She let out a sigh – but it wasn’t a rejecting one. But then she pulled her body back a bit, grunting.

And they both went back to sleep.

***

The next morning Octavia was looking for Bellamy. Just as that. It was simple. She didn’t see him anywhere, he must still be in his tent – probably. She hasn’t seen that much of him lately, she just hoped he isn’t on one of his hunting trips. Next time she _must_ come with! By now she knew he must have found the best spots….

There was a feeling of warmth coming from the tent. Bellamy was here … _and_ so was Clarke. They were so cute, like two children. She didn’t know what to feel – nothing to say entered her mind. So she left. Let them sleep. They sure needed it.

She will come back and tease them later.

She was taking a few slow steps from the tent, thinking, and then the briskness returned to her walk. Later she ran into Abby, Clarke’s mother, further away in the camp, frantically looking around. Out of breath she focused on her, as a familiar face, and asked: “ _Have you seen Clarke today?”_ When Octavia didn’t answer and her face drew blank and innocent, Abby elaborated: “I haven’t seen her since last night. She is _not_ in her tent”. There was a reproach in her voice, reproach to her own actions. She was weak.

Octavia though to herself, while she gained a moment of time - _well great, now I have to cover for the princess and for her night prowls._ But to say the truth, she would do it for her brother anyway, she knew an angry mother is _not_ what he needs now...

_So she must put her of their scent. At least for now._ _Unbelievable_.

She was sure that almost naturally Bellamy would be Abby’s next stop.

So she took advantage of her weakness. Smiled a little at her and to herself. And started to go about soothing her:

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Griffith. I will find _them_ …. I mean _her._ ”

She corrected her words quickly. Now that would have been a fatal mistake…!

But Abby focused on her mistake only for a second, frowned her forehead, and then thought nothing of it. Octavia continued to reassure her:

“You go back to your duties, chancellor. I am on it, right now.” She said with a cheer in her voice. “She must be around here somewhere.” Then for effect she looked around the camp (on purpose in a different direction then her brothers tent), as if she was already looking, and placed her hand subtly on Abby’s arm, reassuringly.

“Thanks, Octavia.

You are right, I’m probably overacting. It has been a long night.”

Octavia has fought the temptation to add, when Abby was leaving : “Clarke is a big girl.”

No rather, she held her tongue.

_On this morning, it could have all taken on a bit different meaning…._

If they don’t show up – she will have to go wake them up later.

And it was getting late. So Octavia waited a little while longer, as uncomfortable it was, and then let herself into the tent.

They were both sleeping, but it seemed they were already half-awake.

Still locked into each other.

“Wake-up, sunshine.” she said in a low voice.

She didn’t want them to jump up and… strangle her. Which could as well happen. With all they had been through lately…. But she needed to wake them. She moved with their blanket and furs, _a little_.

They were both waking up, slowly. Few moments later they were looking at her wide-eyed.

At first a bit surprised as if at where they were. Then – at _who she was…_

And then it came back to them. They were a bit embarrassed. Well… but that is what a good nights sleep does to people, Octavia had though.

Bellamy growled to greet her, but it didn’t come out as any actual words. Then he jawed. Still on his back, stretching.

Now she got to her knees, Octavia was smiling at them. Clarke sat up. She looked around, as if to see what time it was. The tent was almost dark. The cloth of the tent shaded the sun from outside.

Clarke gathered her nonchalance back, slowly, as if nothing was happening, happened.

_She definitely is not going to - apologize - to anyone. Apologize for being. Which is what Octavia definitely wanted, in a way, waiting. Or waiting for an explanation. She wasn’t getting any._

Bellamy was staring at the top of the tent for now.

They haven’t actually moved away from each other.

“ _Good morning, Octavia_.” Clarke said. As if she was a bit unhappy that she woke them…. As if it was her tent. As if she, Octavia, was just a visitor, not the other way around. Now that was mean!

To break the moment, and not lastly to underline her rightful position, Octavia leans in and jumps in between them, lying almost on her brother with her weight, laughing. He puts his arms around her, and snuggles her, smiling as well. _As if it is a welcome distraction._

Clarke, feeling _the_ change in the atmosphere, gets upon her knees facing them. While she’s getting up, using all her strength, Octavia is saying to her: “Your mother is looking for you.”. She is little bit out of breath now. Clarke smiles gently getting ready to leave.

_She is secretly glad that there is this urgency, that her mother is looking for her, which gives her an excuse to leave immediately. And she doesn’t have to think about what just happened… She isn’t, really sure what exactly is she feeling right now. She needs some breakfast._

But it is still so cozy inside. She lets out a sigh. Getting herself in between the sibling like that, way to go. But they will get past it.

Bellamy reaction is quite the opposite, watching her.

He stretches out his arm, gesturing towards her, as if for her to join them. Join their little circle. Without saying a word. It seems that _he_ doesn’t want her to leave, not just yet.

She lets out a small laugh and joins them. Bellamy has his arms now lightly _around_ _both of the girls_. Octavia is now resting with her eyes closed, her head tilted more towards Bellamy. She smiled briefly at Clarke. _The blonde laying next to her notices she looks so different now with her eyes closed, without the tension in he body, more then ever vulnerable._

Bellamy does feel rested, but tired from all the sleeping, it was hard work.

But as if in not for a long time he had felt relived. For a brief while it was all as it should be. Two women close to him, under his wings, that’s how it should be.

Almost as if it was the way it was before.

_But he knew the moment was fleeting, again._

As if to mirror his thoughts he took advantage on the situation, and the change, and stroked Clarke lightly on her shoulders for a while. Not really looking at her, if so only through his sisters’ hair.

She, not right away, wriggled out of their little meltdown, got to her both feet, finding the strength in her, and saying: “I got to go. To find her.”

The siblings just nodded, didn’t say anything - it was expected.

She looked to the ground.

Before stepping out of the tent, she turned around for a moment and caught Bellamy’s eyes. She shared the glimpse for a while longer that she wanted. It had left her rattled a bit. But stepping into the bright sunshine, the moment was forgotten…

She had left the siblings alone to themselves.

Octavia closed her eyes again, resting. Enjoying the moment and that they are alone. Without it being too obvious.

He pulled her closer, and then they were back to their usual groove again. “ _Well, thank you.”_ he says affectionately, yet sarcastically. He was sure she knew what he meant by that.

She looks at him and says in a serious tone: _“You are welcome”. And she had meant it._

Now he wasn’t really sure about what _she_ was saying.

***


	9. Chapter 9

***

It was dark again. The trees were starting to get lost in the soft twilight.

The day had gone quite well for him, it was good, Bellamy assured himself.

_A lot of work has been done._

 

Although everybody is tired and a bit worried, with the weather changing all around, they are all giving their best effort. Especially the remaining of the 100.

They have grown very resilient of the conditions, through time (thanks to the even tougher times), even more so than all of the other Arkes.

_What good can one more month in the wilderness do for a person in the end, he had thought a bit bitterly to himself. And then there was their youth of course…_

 

The field next to the trees for the new cabins have been progressively cleared, tall grass, small trees and bushes cut and leveled – so that they at least can start building some sort of settlement now. _A stable settlement._

One might say it feels like they are coming home finally.

_He would say they should be glad they were still alive._

 

But that was still _in the_ _future_ , the cabins. Now – the assembling of the logs of wood, cutting down the trees – that was still ahead of them. But it was a future, full of necessary steps that he could see quite clearly.

They were trying to find the right approach and tools necessary for bringing _down_ the trees. And then they had to mark the trees. The best possible experts from the ship and others from the ship working together. All weighting in with what they know, with what they have learned at the Ark, in the classes and everyday life and what they have seen down here on Earth.

And then the strongest, they will do the rest.

 

They still were waiting to see what will happen when they cut one of the older trees open. A scary though. _What will they find_. A tree a century old. Maybe even more, before the apocalypse.

Some of them could be hundreds of years old, born and nourished from the ground after the …. end of the world …. _well._

Some of them may have even survived it.

But as he had told himself before – one day at a time. Now it is time for rest.

And tonight _definitely without Clarke._

What can he do. He sighted.

 

_Earlier during the mid-afternoon, that same day, he had walked up to Clarkes tent. It was empty and unadorned, as if nobody has lived there at all._

_For a moment he was unsure if he was in the right tent at all. Well that would have put a dent in his whole plan, no way for to be sure right now…_

_She was probably in the infirmary, as he had hoped._

_Anyhow but he was glad she wasn’t here. That meant he could get to work…_

_He closed the cloth behind him and placed the rather large but light backpack – carefully - on the ground. The furs were reaching out – as if they couldn’t wait to get used again. So soft._

_Their final destination, finally._

 

***

Later in the day, late afternoon, he had seen her briefly.

She hasn’t said a word about the change, the tent or at all. Maybe she hasn’t seen it yet. He walked slowly to his tent, ready to … to go sleep.

The light was still holding a bit and tonight the atmosphere of the camp was different, it was humming, it was lively. He didn’t know why the change, probably after the whole week of hard work – it was as if it was a Saturday evening.

Well, he tried to remember, and it was a Saturday actually …

_Now suddenly in every-day life you could see some of the Earth and Ark traditions returning, prevailing, finding their way back…. How extraordinary is that._

 

He had turned his head slowly. Her hair was up, tied tightly to her head. She was approaching him. _She had followed him to his tent._ He turned and she was there. _Her hair looked like a crown._ He was surprised, wasn’t he? He smirked and gave her a loop side smile:

“Now what princess, bored already?”

 

She sat down at a rock near the opening of his tent. He sat down too, their back turned to the tent, looking to the camp, in though…

“Not _bored_ ” she said, without any information. “Just thinking.” the words just rolled from her tongue slowly.

 

He gave her a side-glare. She was rested a little bit, more color in her cheeks. He couldn’t help but smile to himself. But her look was serious. Looking straight ahead. Back into the camp, their camp.

Then she turned, rather abruptly, as if not to look at it any more.

He was searching her eyes calmly.

He said: “Lets go inside, its getting colder”.

She nodded.

 

They got inside. Her mood lifted. Just like that.

“Thank for the furs by the way” she said jokingly, then, not to seem to be so sure of herself, she added : “It was you, wasn’t it?”

 

He remembered, from before:

_His rough hands, rough nails, placing the soft furs on the inside of the tent. One by one. Till it was covered, shielding her from the cold from outside. Holding them up. Placing them side by side. And then the top of the tent. An almost impenetrable shield of warmth._

_It was such a delicate work, after all the days of hard heavy work. Back to the        nature for sure._

“Well, yeah” he confirmed casually. “You will now be safe as in a bear’s cave” he joked. She smiled at him.

One of her _beaming smiles_. His heart skipped.

 

She took in the though slowly, molding it. It wasn’t that deep… he thought to himself.

He waited. Then she revealed what’s on her mind:

“I wish I was that safe. _We_ were that safe.” she corrected herself. “Warm as bears… yes.” She proclaimed. “But….”

Now he had seen that her thoughts were more heavy. _Still. Yet._

_Maybe always._

 

“Enough with the gloomy talk….

 _You are sleeping here tonight?”_ Changing the subject, but he knew he wouldn’t succeed entirely.

“ _No, I am not_ … I just” she had laid her back, rested and closed her eyes slightly and sighted. “…just to rest for a bit… Then I am going back.”

 

He watched her, suddenly feeling the _boredom_ as well. Hands on his knees, sitting on the mattress on the ground.

 

“Things are going rather slowly aren’t they?” he said. But that is a good thing, he answered himself almost instantly…

“Yes, but where are they heading?” she was quick with the reply.

Now, he had recognized her and her mood – it was the _what-will-we-do-now-next -Bellamy_ mood. More in control. He liked it. More like her.

 “So what’s the deal?” he said hoarsely, trying to sound as ready and fact-driven as possible.  …. _That he is ready for anything, again…._

But then, when she spoke, he had realized it was not quite as he thought.

Not yet anyhow. She just said:

“ _Well, nothing. Memories, I guess.”_

That he did not expect. So she was more in a retrospective mood.

_“I miss them. You know.”_

She said softly. Threw her eyes at him shyly.

“Miss who?” he said.

Even though while he was asking, he already knew who she had meant.

 _All of them_. Well, kind of…

 

“Friends, people from the Ark. People we haven’t even met

… is that even possible?

My father, the rest of the 100… the ones we didn’t even know that much

My mother, in a way.” She continued.

“ _Wells_ \- you know - he was my friend. We used to have fun a lot” she emphasized.

_She smiled at the long-lost and buried memories. Back on the Ark. Playing cards, and other games. Drawing together. Parents always somewhere near by…_

 “You know what?”

“What ? ” He asked obediently.

“We are lucky that we are even here…” her voice breaks.

He looks at her abruptly, a wave of tenderness coming through him. “Yeah” he said half-aware.

If she had looked at him at that moment, she would have seen it… seen it in his eyes.

 

“The rest of the one hundred” she said, looking upwards “the others that helped us, helped us get here, but didn’t make it…”

“It is over for them. For now” he added.

Anyhow. Like their necessary so often-said saying goes: May we meet again.

“Wells, he was a good friend.” She sighted.”

But still added a half smile, to her memories.

 

“I know” Bellamy said. “Well, I didn’t know him… actually. Not like we were friends. He was the type of guy that would be useful right now.”

He hoped that she wouldn’t hold it against him, that she wasn’t thinking about it right now - all the rows they had had. “We didn’t exactly get along. And it was all my own doing. “

She didn’t say anything, just reacted to what he had said before:

“Yes, he would.” she said bravely.

She continued: “ _It is all up to us now, alone. Like always_ ”.

There was a strange foreboding, in her voice that he had felt, in the way she had said it. _Like it wasn’t over yet. Not for them anyhow._

Bellamy did not stomach that feeling lightly, what she had said, now looking at her again. A shiver went through his spine. He shook it off.

***

 

But she was still on her own train of thought. She didn’t look at him, it seemed on purpose – like she didn’t want to be reminded, or to maybe admit to _herself_ , she was talking _to him_ about all of this.

But now she turned to him on purpose:

_ “It doesn’t mean that because they are grown-ups they know what is best.” _

He swallowed. Here was the Clarke _he_ recognized. He still couldn’t get through it. Shake the feeling he had before.

So he just listened.

For now.

_Listened to what she had to say._

 

 _“It doesn’t mean that when they are in charge they are always right_.”

She said with more valor now. Fire. There was a pause of silence.

“You know?” she was looking for confirmation.

Bellamy was still breathing heavily.

 

***

Then he just laughed.

He felt she like she was looking to collect on what he had told her before.

On the top of the mountain.

As he promised her before. Not so long ago.

 

He just wasn’t ready for it, he hasn’t felt it, not yet.

Not yet. _Not yet ready to leap._

 

Things are looking good for a while as they are. Why put ripples into it?

 

Yet he knew something was stirring. Around them or in them, he didn’t know which it was…..

 _“It is all up to us now. “_ She sat back up. _“Again._ To make it that is was not for nothing. All not for nothing. They didn’t die for nothing…

She got more emotional: “Make it that we didn’t _live_ for nothing”

He lifted his hand up to her in a gesture, while she was slowly turning her back to him again. Now there was nothing left then to agree with her.

“You are right” he said firmly.

To calm her down.

 

***

He could tell by the expression on her face that her thoughts were back on _the Ark_. How was that possible?

Then he got lost in his own though. _It wasn’t that great there anyway, was it?_

Especially in the last year when he was alone, all alone. None to talk to.

When she was all alone as well.

 

It was strange they haven’t even met - and they were already on a similar path…

Losing their parents, being alone, facing what they have done (guilt ridden?)

_Heading towards each other probably. Maybe it was always like that._

He tried to remember, to remember how it was … when he still had friends and a life. And had a future.

And how easily –  that was all gone. For his family… for all three of them.

What the hell, who would he be, he asked himself, if he wasn’t up for a new adventure …

While thinking this though, he looked back at her, straight at her.

 

She was staring straight at him, into his eyes, she had already moved towards him.

_Her big blue eyes like meteorites._

She saw or maybe had already felt, that she had made him uncomfortable.

_So she cheered herself up and smiled at him._

And that moment there he had realized that he didn’t actually die.

He didn’t die that day on the Ark, the day of the party with his sister, the day his mother has died, _indeed_ …

He is very much alive. He is here.

 

In a very different place, and since then with a very different adventure behind them and in store for them up ahead as well. There is no doubt.

“There is no way we can go back.”

She answered: _“I know”._

He was searching for the connection in her eyes. It was already getting very dark outside, so there was only a soft gleam on her.

“What did you do all that time locked in the cell?”.

“You mean on the Ark?...she paused. “I draw.”

When he didn’t say anything she continued.

“I draw Earth. What I imagined it will be like.” she looked into the distance

“What I dreamed.”

 

“Well, that’s fitting… “ he said.  She really didn’t like the tone of his voice when he said that, too hoarse - but yes, she had laughed. Looking to her feet she nodded: “… and I see how that had worked out.”

“ _All … your dreams…._ “ he said with a singing voice “ _came true.”_

“Yeah , well, you are right…”

“And is it as you imagined it would be like?”

“No!!” she exclaimed with a laugh “I imagined it better! _More like a fairytale_ ” she quieted her voice. Of course she had thought about all the dangers and enemies they had met. But then … she corrected herself:

“No, it is beautiful down here. _Like I imagined it would be_ ” she smiled with her lips together. At least now, she was having fun for a while.

And Bellamy in that moment was reminded of the wide-eyed blonde and nosy girl he had met the first day on the ground, on the drop ship.

“Did you have many friends on the Ark?”

“Well, yeah…” he didn’t continue.

She said: “Some of them down here?”

“No.” he didn’t elaborate.

She nodded in confirmation, still smiling slightly. What she already expected.

“Well, but the last year was difficult for me as well” he continued after a pause

“All I had had before was pretty much gone.”

“Just like me.”

“Just like you.”

 

“I would like for us to be friends, you know”

That took Bellamy a bit by surprise. So that is what she had been aiming for.

He actually sat for a while with his mouth open.

Clarke lowered herself down again to his level.

It’s evident he didn’t know what to say.

 

He felt a small pitch of disappointment.

 

Yet, on the other hand, what she had said sounded interesting.

He couldn’t remember how long it has been since he had friends.

And being friends … with her.

 

Just he and _his sister_. That is how it has been for a long time.

Then the _enemy_.

And then their _responsibility_.

_Sacrifice maybe even._

 

She got up slowly, with a smile, turned at him.

 _I will definitely bleed out for you._ He didn’t say it out loud, looking at her.

_Like he was about to in Mt. Weather._

What a fool he is.

He closed his eyes, taking in the evening air, that came suddenly in, when she opened the cloth of the tent.

 

_He got up hastily, to say her goodbye._

_“Well, goodnight” she said turning again, now more slightly in doubt._

“It is going to get better “he said.

She was turning now to go all alone into the darkness that has fallen, but now into her much warmer tent.

_“I know”_

_But the innocence was gone._


	10. Chapter 10

***

_The soft fur on her skin, close, but not enough to suffocate and tickle her, but just about to keep her warm. The animals really have it great sometimes, she thought. She would really like to a bear sometime. Maybe a wild cat. But she has to be, who she gets to be… - that is Clarke Griffin._

She had felt the sun on her skin.

Although it was an almost freezing morning, the sun was up and warming.

She had a good night’s sleep, at last restful. This was a good basis for a new day.

Her spirits were lifted a bit.

But she knew _it won’t last long_. Nothing ever does…

It was all so fast. The noise woke her up suddenly, to reality, as she was half-dreaming. Standing in the middle of the camp, _half-dreaming._

There she was, right in the middle - but all by herself.

And with all the tensions running high all the time through the camp, it was easy to get nervous…

There _was shouting_. Clarke could hear it. Nobody else seemed to be bothered.

For a moment there she didn’t know if it was all part of the dream. She wasn’t really sure…

_They were men, on the outskirts of the camp, arguing…._

A sudden cloud came over the sun, and their faces were all hidden in shadows.

She was approaching them as fast as she could … seemed like the right thing to do at the time… but as she to them, she couldn’t help herself, she was _suddenly transported back_ , back _to this again_ \- _Murphy shouting, the others shouting, the day after Wells murder. The crowds. The mob rule._ That was she got used to quickly down on Earth… The crowned closing in, tightening their grip…But now, back here present day in camp, she panicked…

She couldn’t breath… just as she approached the men, their circle (she wanted to help, she really did, to break it up…!) she dropped down on her knees, weak.

The men were looking around frantically, suddenly surprised by Clarke appearance, and her sudden unexplainable actions just underneath their feet, falling.

She stumbled, her hands looking for support in the dirt. She was on the ground. She turned, faced into the crowd.

 _She wasn’t wanted here, she had felt it_.

With the sun again direct in her eyes, she wasn't even sure if it was the grown-ups or ones of the hundred.

And then there was somebody pushing through the crowd - the crowd opened up for him.

And then there was Bellamy.

 _The self-made, self-proclaimed king._ She couldn’t help herself then to in that moment to see him just like that, like she used to before. _So much self-entitlement, fire and selfishness._

But he was always fast too, when he needed to!

The guy standing close to her turned towards him, and with just one hit in the jaw from Bellamy, he came crashing down into the ground.

That reminded her of that night when Finn got up to get the meat from the killed panther, without taking his wrist band off…. _“there are no rules, right?”...._ he succeeded, but well, the guy next in line, who though he could not “obey” as well, was struck to ground as well. By the fast ad decisive fist of Bellamy.

Bellamy turned to face her.

She couldn’t take it no more. She scrapped herself up from her knees. She ran away.

Through her breathing, she didn’t hear anything, didn’t turn.

The confusion she had caused, left behind.

Bellamy yelling her name from the distance.

***


	11. Chapter 11

 ***

He was angry. He was furious. She ran straight to her tent, after that went down, he was almost sure of it. The had felt the wind howling through his ears and through the camp, adding an even more sense of urgency to his quest. A great flying branch came into his way, he kicked  it out of sight.

What bastards! What did they say to her, do to her? What was that all about…  Definitely he was still amazed sometimes who these people from the Ark are. The so called “ _his people_ ”…!

But he knew his reaction to all of them was so similar to the way he was first he met Clarke, the awful way he was with her. And that stinged. Like _back then_ , when he knew he was always right… he had his goals - was aiming to reach them, _no matter what_.

Looking back…. he envied himself, being so unshaken and determined in everything, almost sure in all his decision, and his approach…

But that had changed now. _Nothing_ was so clear anymore.

He thought to himself: _“For all these people we had risked everything at Mt. Weather? _

_Their own lives, lives of family and the lives the rest of the 100 prisoners. So that they can live with them, the grown-ups, once again…?!_

_At least the Mt. Weather people can never take advantage of them, never again, that was for sure… But what about their own people from the Ark?”_ he smirked.

The night rolled in, so suddenly and fast in Bellamy’s eyes, the camp was getting to sleep.

But he was boiling over, like a can of hot water. He won’t leave her like this, he can’t.

He _walked around_ like a nervous cat. Then he decided and he started _purposefully_ approaching her tent.

 _Again to Clarke rescue, again when she was losing_ _it…. Which was a lot lately. Like she was bat-shit crazy._

But he knew that was not who she was. It was the pressure the others were putting on her.

He believed, he knew deep down, that she would do the same for him…. And that had meant a **commitment** to him. _Even now. When it seems to be all over…_

But to hell with all the other people. With these thoughts, he we walked himself inside her tent. He teared the skirt-door open and walked himself inside.

She was there. She was crying.

“Clarke!” he said more angrily then he intended.

“Bellamy, what are you here for …?!”

Suddenly it had all seemed like an _intrusion_ _of her privacy. The princess and her privacy. Her privilege._

Her eyes, without tears now, were measuring him coolly.

He sat down for a moment in doubt, thinking he should leave.

But instead he continued to push vehemently. This is _what he came for_ :

“This has to stop, _Clarke_. What happened out there?

“Nothing happened. It was just me. I was trying to help…” her voice hit a sharp note.

That was in a way even worse then Bellamy had expected. What the hell…?

Then he said to her, with impatience in his voice: “This has to stop…. Putting yourself down all the time! Not standing up for yourself. You have a place here and you know it. Now go and grab it. _Instead of this_ …”

He looked around the tent, and then back to her lousy state and expression.

She was still measuring him. The tent was almost dark. He realized that in all time, the time they were on Earth… he was never actually in her tent before.

(Well, not at least when she was in it too…he smiled to himself)

“Yes” she had said affirmatively “This HAS to stop.” Bellamy wasn’t sure if she meant her attitude toward the camp and the Arkers … or just them right now.

“Now please leave.” This sounded definite from her lips, he shook her head in defeat.

_Not at all what he had meant, what he expected, again…_

“I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t even say that – don’t try to be like Charlotte…”

 

She thrusted herself back on the mattress, scowling her face in bunch of pillows, unsatisfied : “Yes - you see I am hurting everyone around!! Everyone around me. Just like Charlotte!” she shook her head, nodded.

Then she lifted her head, body still stretched out… and said in lower, much darker tone:

_“Only I have killed many more people, not just one. Not just Wells...”_

_She was just like a beast locked in a cage._

Then there was a pause. Heavy silence. _This was not going well_ , Bellamy was thinking to himself. But he was not giving up, there was still a chance of getting through to her, he believed that. And with this aim he lowered himself into her position, lowered himself to get closer to her, he stretched his body carefully right next to her, where she was lazing on the mattress… so he could see her face. He was not backing down – not yet, not without a fight.

He tried to change the subject - back to what this was really about:

“These guys … the Clarke that I know wouldn’t let people like that get to her… Hurt her nonetheless.”

 _Now seeing her - but he would hurt them, yes, he would. Throw punches again, right now, he clenched his fist…!_ The violence, the violence they have learned while fighting for their lives, was still there. He could feel it…! And it still had the power to resolve things.

Clarke looked into his eyes, almost bashfully, let out a breath … otherwise having no apparent reaction to him changing his position like that, so suddenly.

Then she continued sensibly: “But _we_ have _saved_ _even_ people like them... the ones that maybe aren’t even worth it.

And we protected them” she paused .“This is what we do.”

He retorted:

“And this is how it is going to be.

Even in the future.

Get over it. Don’t expect gratitude.”

 

 “ _Theyyy must hate me. Must all hate me…_ ” she said in a stable voice, but filled in emotion ”What’s worse, they never even liked me in the first place…” as if she now came to realize this in her surprise…  

Bellamy interrupted: “But you _have_ saved them. _Saved us. Saved all of us._

_When the others left us to die. Without that, there would be no one left._

But she continued on…. Speaking in a monotone voice:

 “ _Always there. Always meddling in everything… when nobody has even asked me to.”_

She shot him a look.

Unexpectedly she began smiling… but hotness was now coming over her, and now using her high-pitched voice she exclaimed:

“I am despicable person. I deserve their disdain! They shouldn’t even want me here. And why… at least not now. Maybe not even never. _And Mt. Weather_ … that was the final straw. _Now they see me_.”

She was breathing erratically, he came closer, nearly touching her face with his now, grabbed her arms.

He shook her, but not as much, as he was aching to.

She started struggling anyhow, angrily, uncontrollably.

Then there was this small fight going on. _Like a small explosion of emotions all around them and in them._

He didn’t use his force, he didn’t put that much into it, it was a child’s play for him.

She looked into his eyes.

The trapped animal within her, the way she was feeling while camping by the river all alone, suddenly came through. But he even laughed slightly.

 

She hated that he wanted to control her, to even _own_ _her (!)_.

“Don’t touch me. Get.. off of me.”

His touch was a sign of power. Not so much of comfort.

He **w a n t e d** to possess her.

There was warmth coming from the furs everywhere, and now from them, leaving them quite nicely warm. Yet he didn’t stop.

He wanted _her to give into him_ –  to surrender to him. To stop fighting. To finally not be Clarke - the all high and mighty, always above him, always knowing better them him. _In control._

 

Now he was on top her. Quite literally

Hand on her knees, on her thighs and now tenderly in between her legs.

Through the thick cloth of the clothes he didn’t almost feel it. But she did.

Her mind was against it, what does he think he is doing…!? But her body, right _now_ , has participated willingly in his actions….

Letting it _all go_ , if only just for a second.

 

He was taking advantage, that she was a woman. He took advantage that she needed to be a woman. She was being controlled like a paper doll, by a man.

She didn’t like it… out of all the people especially from him!

 

Breathe down her neck, he ruffled her hair with his nose and soft touches of the lips.

Her eyes closed.

She let out a controlled sights.

He was completely quiet.

Her cheeks were flushed pink.

He pulled her back, so he could face her (see her), “oh god” Clarke had though to herself “…. of course he must be really satisfied now, he wouldn’t miss this for the world!”

But she didn’t look into his eyes.

 “You are hurting me” she said.

“No, I am _not_ hurting you.”

Then he realized she didn’t mean psychically. Just hurting.

The tension and closeness, that atmosphere was now electric.

But she persisted with the fight, and pulled herself away.

 

Now they laid both on their back, next to each other, motionless.

He was just trying to caress her. If she would let him do that.

….they were laying way too close

….. for a moment her mouth gave a small brief smile, and that with her eyes as well.

He caught that expression, how cute she had seen to him in that moment.

But then breaks away the connection briefly, catching his breath….

And he feels as sadness comes over Clarkes face again, and the walls come up again … He felt the coldness. And the “magic” moment was gone.

Like again there was nothing to discuss with him, nothing they wanted to say to each other.

 

So Bellamy got back to reality:

“This must stop You must stop this. There is only one solution -  

 _You have to own up what you did_. _What we did_ at Mt. Weather. After a slight pause:

_“There is nothing more to it. And then go on.”_

This came as a command from his lips.

“Remember what we said… on the mountain top… what pact, plan, we made …. So calm down….” he ran out of words.

He turned to look at her one more time, her back straight up again on the furs, returning his look steely, then he was gone.

As if to expect nothing more from her. Ever again…

His heart was beating fast.

 “Good night, then, princess.”

He walked out quietly, into the cold. _But the fire was still burning, inside of him._

***


	12. Chapter 12

***

It was the morning. It was beautiful. She felt refreshed, different.

Is at all because of that?

 _That he wanted her, in a different way_. _Now she was sure of that._

Or it was just like that, it was natural….. _He was a man, she was a woman._

_But still it was enough._

Clarke walked out into the camp, the sunshine greeted her on her hair and her face.

It was warm.

She meddled seamlessly into the camp, into its flow. Had it seemed just a little bit less hostile today?

Was it the beginning - _the breath of spring_ \- could she feel in the air? 

_When Bellamy got ready to leave, his tall posture filling almost the whole of her tent. She didn’t feel that weak anymore. She couldn’t really decide what had happened, she really couldn’t. But really she didn’t even want that anymore – to understand everything…_

_He seemed proud to her. For once the princess laying at his feet._

_She had felt tamed, like a wild animal, at least for a while._

_Being weak, being needy (human), for a while, felt so fresh for a change, suddenly so new._

_But she had felt like this was her breaking point. Breaking point towards something new._

_Just like a butterfly – possibly a radioactive one, but still. That she could find her courage again…._  

***

_He walked fast. He was far away by now. Far enough._

He had stopped, took a deep breath into his lungs.

This is where he was happy.

He was happy.

Nothing but wood all around him. _The trees, waving in the wind_. The birds far away, but still doing enough noise, that their presence was unmissable.

He has his arrow; he has his knife. He has his nose, his ears. That is all he needs.

And of course his hands – let the hunting begin.

And his eyes.

And then thought of _her eyes_ …

He wasn’t so sure he was catching anything at all today.

He was alone finally. He wanted to center himself, find himself again. What is important to him.

The noise of the camp, its everyday life, sometimes it was a bit much. This right here – was right enough. It was just about fine.

The birds keep quarreling gently. The sun was shining in his eyes. An interesting change for a bit. But it must be nice in camp right now.  He felt the warmth.

 _He and Octavia_. That is what mattered. He had to find his priorities again.

_How to take care of her, make her feel that she is loved._

_How to find himself – as almost a leader, a semi-parent._

How does he want to see himself in these positions, what approach will he take…?

 _What made him feel secure, safe, important, relaxed_ …. here on this Earth – it is time to be a bit selfish for a change.

After all the months…

How about Lincoln and Octavia? Should he encourage it, or on the other hand be a voice of reason to his sister in all this?

He wanted to be in control, he should be in control of his own destiny, his decisions. He had not wanted to be in the power of someone, or something, else.

At least when it wasn’t necessary…

He didn’t want to be rattled, so easily, anymore. Confused or swayed.

_Blonde or whatsoever._

This for him seemed like reasonable things to ask for. For him.

He was independent. He must be.

It sounded like a plan.

But right now he had to get back for a while to other things that were on his mind – a different type of control.

Back to nature, trees and forests. To the animals.

_Back to why he was here._

In a way, back to Bellamy Blake again.

He headed out and set out in a firm direction. To the open fields.

_Behind the mountain… - that is where he had seen them last. The ones he was looking for._

Just a few restful days in the forest, that is what he needs.

Stop caring about the others for a while….

_Just the open sky above him when he lays down._

And stop caring about the others for a while….

***


	13. Chapter 13

***

It was the evening. The stars have set in their firm place on the sky.

The mood was set also – hopefully finally for a celebratory feast. _Finally - a time for a celebration._

The camp late in the afternoon was already buzzing in anticipation and preparation. All the young ones and the adults, were looking forward to it. A “ _Welcome home_ ” celebration, it was what they called it, _back to Earth_ (for all of them who have survived) - and it was planned and finally scheduled today evening.

The children were bringing in sweet berries from the forest. Older boys and guys were collecting woods for the many fires. The camp was supposed to be alight almost all night.

Others, with some more time on their hands, were preparing games. _And of course there was the food and the drinks…._

The celebration has not started yet. _Overlooking the preparation was chancellor Marcus Kane._

Marcus had watched the crowd. Watched them gather in the camp.

He had felt lost.

He knew everybody was feeling that way. _Lost on Earth._

But for him it was different…

It was not the same as the Ark. There all the long corridors, rooms, cold.

Everybody in their brackets, space, where they belong. All the corridors leading nowhere - just around and around…

Everything under control. Everyone reachable. _And under their command._

_Out here it was way different._

It was all loose. There was a wide open huge world out there. Hostile, and ……  even beautiful. _Outside of the camp._

The camp wasn’t where the world ends – unlike on the Ark.

There, next to their walls there was just space and nothing. _No air._

_Yet the camp must stay under control as well. At all times._

_Same discipline, order needs to be in place._

_It always is._

But he was not sure if he was the man for the job.

That got him thinking, what kind of man he even was…?

He was the same man as he was on the Ark.

Or was he? Where were his boundaries, where do his principles, his talents and strengths lie?

_He was unsure of the answer._

But the main change for him was - that now he seems he have people around him, that he cares about, more than ever. People that are interesting to him, and could be possibly even close to him. _He didn’t have that in a long time…_

And maybe that makes it all worth a while for him.

 

***

Abby had watched the people gathering in the assembly room - in the remnants of the Ark, what was left of it and what fell onto the ground.

There was still some work, discussions, to be finished, before the _celebration_ starts.

There was still time until this afternoons meeting starts. People were coming together, she liked that - to discuss, to create.

 _And to have a brawl,_ once in a while. She liked that too.

But on these meetings, what she had liked the most, here on Earth, was the difference - that unlike on the Ark, she could leave whenever she wanted to!

Just walk through that door… and be outside, free.

_The open space._

By now she has familiarized herself with all the people – some she had known before…. others were all new faces. But it was all right by now.

But _that small entity_ , _enclave_ , she had had on the Ark with Clarke and her father - that was missing, _that feeling as a family…_

Then there was Marcus Kane. Standing near the crowd.

She watched him for a while.

He had shaved off his beard - a look he had tried on for a while.

Now he was clean-shaven, smooth.

She realized she had liked him better like that….

The man that was her enemy for such a long time, even back on the long days on the Ark.

Yet still somehow always important to her. With all the fights, complications and _their fate_ , that entwined them together.

But it was not always like that. Long time ago… she used to adore him. In the younger days, on the Ark….

But that was before she had met the man she was to marry, she met Jake.

 

***

Raven was cold. She was always cold all these days lately. She pulled on her _mittens_ and her _shawl_ closer to her body - but it was strange putting them on, inside in the control room.

She didn’t want to go out, join the others _cheering_.

But her mittens were open, so she could work with her hands and fingers free, continue with what she had been working on. The others had turned to her and said goodnight.

She said she would stay just a little bit longer… 

The machine started whirring consistently in her hands.

What a joyful sound that was.

Only thing that had really brought her some real joy lately, in these days.

Then back to _the tent_ , back to Wick.

She heard a sound, a non-mechanical one, she had jumped up from her seat.

Probably an animal, not again, she listened carefully. Nothing was happening.  So she had let it go, let it go out of her mind… Maybe she was just imagining it.

She loved her work. _She really did._

Then she heard it again. That awful _defending_ sound all around. _The quiet._ All around _._

She could hear it right then and there. The quiet _in her hearth._

Nothing more.

Ever since Finn had died, nothing was the same. It was different.

_Did she – Clarke - feel it too?_

Sometime? She was sure she would understand. But it was not all the same for Clarke.

 _Raven_ knew no one will ever know her, like _he_ did. Really _know_ her.

Who she was, how she was back on the Ark… her whole life before. No way on getting that back.

People had thought that it was her leg. The pain. But she hid it, hid it well. But it was not all that was to it.

The quiet, and the hollow all around.

_A flat line running through her hearth._

_***_


	14. Chapter 14

 

_***_

Clarke settled down on a small wooden chair. It was a stump actually, but still very good to sit on now. To get some rest, to her whole body and legs.

But she remembered right then and there, that it was nothing compared to Mt. Weathers _underground bunker_ _sofas and armchairs…_

From noon she was in camp, lively at her feet. On the wide open air, it had felt good for a change. Yesterday she was walking through camp more wearily. Checking around herself. She didn’t want to run into Bellamy. Not yet, anyhow. So she was keeping out of sight, again, until she feels up to it. To face him, came face to came with him.

Later in the afternoon she was feeling better. But still no sign of him.

He was probably in the woods working, or out on a mission or something.

By the evening she got a little bit more worried. Shouldn’t she ask around?

She let it go out of her head for a bit, but by the next morning she got plain nervous. She asked around, only casually. Nobody had seen him since the day before yesterday. She went on and looked around for him, now openly, but with no luck. _Nothing happened._

_So nobody had seen him since the night before, when they were together..._

She will look for Octavia, maybe she will give her some answers.

She must know where _her brother_ is keeping himself at, _mustn’t she_?

She had found her just outside the walls of the settlement, near the opening of the woods, with Lincoln…. _again_ , _laughing_. She tried to look as relaxed as possible but - she didn’t succeed. As soon as Octavia saw her and her flushed face, she knew something was up.

She came out, to greet her. Clarke asked to talk to her alone for a bit…without Lincoln listening in. She still didn’t feel comfortable him knowing _everything_ , _hearing_ _everything_.

But he saw what was happening … nevertheless.

The dynamics of the small, tightly knitted group has not stayed unobserved by him, by Lincoln ( _oh, things that he knew, understood or just saw…_ ) .

The girls have walked together few steps to the side.

Then Clarke asked Octavia about Bellamy. Octavia’s face relaxed instantly. So this was what it was about. She told the blonde about _the hunting trips..._

The _many_ of them he had took while being at camp the last few weeks and the _many_ of them he took while Clarke was gone, missing.

Clarke didn’t know about them? That’s odd, the sister said.

Yes, Clarke had never noticed… never noticed him _missing_. It shows _how much_ she was paying (or rather wasn’t) attention to him lately… _or to anybody really._

She wondered now - of course, the _furs_ must have come from somewhere.

That calmed down, it was a bit of an explanation…

Until Octavia said: “He usually goes missing for about a half a day…”

“Half a day?” Clarke suddenly exclaimed “But I haven’t seen him for two days!”

The evening was slowly settling in the trees around them. The festivities were soon to start.

“Really? Yeah. I always ask him to tell me now when he is leaving, and when he comes back.” … and what good things he brings with him every time… “ Octavia said.

“He told me he was leaving yesterday morning” the sister smiled at Clarke.

Then she frowned a bit as well. “He will be back soon” she said firmly.

And turned to Lincoln as he was approaching them from further away.

Lincoln was already smiling as soon as he saw his lover.

Clarke turned around and left them _be_.

 

Clarke put on a _fast pace_ while she was leaving.

Then after a few steps she slowed down, her legs _gave out underneath_ _her_.

Suddenly they have felt so heavy and weak she had to sit down. Her face was flustered.  She hid her face into her hands, her light hair falling over in chaotic thick strands.

The smell of pines coming over her, uplifting her.

Back in the camp she was feeling better. She didn’t know what have come over her.

Octavia gave her an _explanation_. (What she was looking for.)

The festivities had started.

But _he was still_ _gone_.

 _What a fool!_ Going out alone like that, without even telling anybody!

Who was he to do a thing like that anyhow? A dangerous thing!

Or was it what _really_ happened with him, alone in the woods…

 

At the celebration nobody asked about him, nobody was really missing him, how odd.

His absence has gone _unseen_. Music blasting, disrupting the cool evening air…

And she was getting _angrier by the minute._

 


	15. Chapter 15

***

In the morning she was worried again. She had felt panicked. She checked around the camp.

She was worried about the things that she had said to him the night before… what were they?

Could he be mad?

That much that he would do something foolish and reckless…?

What in normal conditions would be acting out, down here - could put you in serious danger… once you were of your guard.

She was reproachful. What had she said? What exactly happened, she tried to remember… This not how she wanted to end things.

But maybe all this, it didn’t have anything to do with her at all, she wasn’t sure … she was just being caught up in her own problems!

About Bellamy – she should maybe alert the adults, send a search party looking.

But she knew and seen the grown-ups, they are never too eager to do such a thing… Or was it too soon? Maybe she would just draw attention to herself, and Bellamy, again...

Even more exposure, in the eyes of the camp, it not what they needed right now. The troublemakers…. she shifted uncomfortably.

As if her worrying was helping anybody.

Then appeared Octavia.

And she was now asking Clarke about Bellamy. “Have you seen him?” she said breathlessly. But by looking at the other girls face, she knew she wasn’t going to be helpful...

Clarke just shook her head. Her mood was changed since yesterday:

“He can do the hell he wants.”

Clarke was walking away. Octavia could tell she was angry (with her brother).

The sister turned her face.

She wanted to hide that she herself was getting worried.

… He would come back from the forest soon she was sure of it.

If something was wrong with him, she would have felt it, she knew that.

But she didn’t.

She only wished the princess wouldn’t make a such out of fuss about it…

 

***

After lunch, Clarke have found some time to be herself again.

Undisrupted. She was thinking.

Since she had started feeling better, things have started buzzing around her.

Just buzzing, not going away.

Ever since the party last night, she had a lot to think about…

They approached her, they have said to her… : “Now we are settled, there is no danger imminent, it is time to move things along. The chancellor will finally be formalized officially. The board will be set around him, his advisors. Just like on the Ark, just the same.

Co-managers of control, and rule over camp.”

She was invited. No questions asked.

She had earned it. One seat on the board was hers.

As she was also … the daughter of the father, the chief engineer of the Ark, who was always well though about, and remembered with respect. Always important to the ark, waiting to help the Ark and the people until his final days. Like her.

That was settled. Her official descent and path into power..

But something was still feeling a bit of to her.

She needed help. She needed advice. She was sure if that ….

And she needed to talk to him.

 

***

While she was sitting, thinking, she suddenly heard a shout “Bellamy!!...”.

“Bellamy, he is back!” was coming from outside.

She got out of her tent.

Headed to where the sounds, the communion were coming from. She caught her breath. Anticipation. It seemed the place where all the others we heading to.

At first she was afraid it could be a medical emergency….

But she couldn’t have been more mistaken.

***

He was standing in a open plain in between the camp. On his hands, held by a rope, was a wild horse. The horse was lifting up backwards, on both his feet. The sunlight was glistening on his dark body … all through his fur, man and his piercing eyes.

But soon it had turned into a show with his master – Bellamy, he had pulled on the rope gently, and the creature calmed down… after all the communion of people watching them, gathering. The wild horse settled in a peaceful gallop around his new found master… getting used to his surroundings.

Octavia also had already approached, approached her brother, with a smile of amusement on her face… (“what a beautiful creature!” She was amazed.)

The horse neighed slightly, Clarke was making her way through the crowd, already taking this all in, from further away.

For sure - a weight was lifted from her chest.

The space was opening in from of her.

But as she came a few steps closer, towards them, made herself be seen.

Bellamy lifted his head, as if he had known (that she was about to appear).

Looking straight into hers, his dark eyes glistening in the sun as well.

But something in that look has stopped Clarke, stopped her in her tracks.

She turned a lightly flushed color, as though she was angry, moist in her eyes.

She stopped, turned around (on her heal) straight back and left without uttering a word.

(A word coming from her lips, light curses coming soundlessly from her lips).

Bellamy, as he saw that, his complexion suddenly softened and there was a touch of disappointment on his face.

He composed himself back rather quickly and smiled at Octavia, standing nearby, who saw the whole scene.

“The princess is angry (with you)” she had said.

Bellamy paused a bit

“Tell me, what else is new?” he replied unshaken.

The worst thing was that he forgot, didn’t have a chance, to tell her: “I brought this horse…. …for you.” But as soon as the people were coming closer to them, when the horse had let them to - her sister and others showering them (both) with praise… and slowly ushering them to a place where the horse would have a safe haven - he forgot himself.


End file.
